Okay. This is it. I have got to lose weight. I just can't stand how I feel and when I saw myself in the mirror yesterday at the store, I was horrified. I can start on Monday. Definitely Monday. No more dillydallying.
Oh wait, Monday is my daughter's birthday. Mmmmm, cupcakes. I love cupcakes. I can't start until Tuesday. So, okay, then. That's settled. Tuesday, it is.
I have lots of vegetables, so that's good and then I can clean the lettuce and get a salad started. Man, I wish I had some pizza. Oh, remember those nine months when my husband had already moved and I stayed behind with the kids to get the house ready? Every Sunday night, take-and-bake pizza and Ben & Jerry's. Boy, that was good.
I wonder if I should do another exercise streak and exercise every single day? I could. Maybe.
I wonder if I should close this blog. I could just copy all my posts into a file and not renew the domain name. Close it and be done with it. But then again, what if this time in the magical time when I actually drop all the weight? Wouldn't it be awesome to have a success story? And pictures showing my "dramatic" weight loss?
I wonder if I should just be a complete vegetarian.
But what about protein?
Or I could just count calories.
Except that I hate counting calories.
I could start running. Except that I hate running.
I really should just go to the gym. Maybe this week I'll go to the gym. Oh, except I have to drive carpool this week. Hmmm. At least I've been walking this week. I could walk twice a day, except that it's been so hot and I hate being so sweaty all the time. (You know what would hit the spot? Ice cream.)
Okay. So. Diet. Starting on Tuesday.
I don't really want to do Paleo because of the whole cheese thing. Cheese is so good and you know what I really love? Grilled cheese. Now, who doesn't love grilled cheese? I could go for a grilled cheese right now. Oh, except it's 1:17 AM and I'm not actually hungry and I need some sleep. What if I could never have grilled cheese again?
Well. If I just cut out sugar and flour like I did before, I wonder if I could lose weight. I could, I'm sure of it. You know what I've been thinking about, though? Banana bread. I saw this really good recipe on Facebook. That would be delicious.
Oh, but the diet.
If I lose ten pounds this month and then even eight pounds a month, I could lose--hey, you know what I'm craving? Tacos. Tacos would really hit the spot. I wonder if I should make tacos this week. Wait. I was thinking about how much weight I could lose. Hmmmm. Math. If I lost thirty pounds by Christmas, think how great I'd feel!
I wonder if I should take an official Before picture. I am definitely not showing my face, though. Gosh, it's so embarrassing to be this fat. But I should take a photo that shows how fat I am. I hate being fat. I hate my clothes. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I hate how much my feet hurt and how sweaty I get just cooking dinner. Speaking of dinner, you know what would be good? A giant baked potato with sour cream and cheese and bacon. Oh my gosh, I love a baked potato more than anything.
Remember how I was thinking I should take a daily photo of my face? That would be fun to track how different I look. Except what if I never look any different, only older? I look so old now. I wonder if I'd just have disgusting saggy skin after losing weight. I'm getting old. Though if I lost enough weight, even the saggy skin would go away. I wonder how skinny I could get. I could just stop eating entirely. (Oh, don't be silly. But wouldn't it be great to just not have to eat?)
Stay focused! If you start now (well, on Tuesday) and you are really strict and stop eating sugar and flour (seriously!) and potatoes, you could actually fit into more clothes in your closet. By Christmas, think how much better you'll look. (Oh, Christmas cookies, especially those butter cut-outs that don't even need frosting because they are so tasty. And fudge. I wonder if anyone will give us fudge?)
I need to get some sleep.
But really . . . I just have to get on track this week. I cannot continue like this. I hate being fat. I hate how people look at me and don't look at me. I hate being the fattest woman in the room. I don't want to go anywhere.
(I'm so excited that it's going to be fall . . . fresh apples in the store and . . . caramel apples. I love a caramel apple made with a Granny Smith apple . . . )
I really wish people would not mention my weight. That last time I lost fifteen pounds and someone made a big deal of it was so embarrasssing to me. But then again, it's nice that people can see my weight loss. Except when it's mortifying. I hope people will notice. I hope no one will notice. I wonder if people will recognize me after I lose 100 pounds. Isn't it weird that people here only know me as the Fat Me? Being fat is not so bad, except that I hate it so much and you can't find cute clothes when you're fat like me.
Okay, it's time to sleep. Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday party and I have to frost those cupcakes in the morning. (Mmmmm, frosting.)
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(I thought it would be funny to unspool some of the thoughts that I notice coiled in my brain. I know how ridiculous I sound . . . even as I am thinking these irrational thoughts, which makes it even funnier to me. Then again, you have to laugh to keep from crying, right?)