How To Get Fat In Ten Easy Steps

I am a jack-of-all-trades, master of none, though I would prefer to be called a Renaissance Woman.  (I suspect I am lacking some of the necessary ingredients to be that.)  I can play the piano, but I'm no concert pianist.  I write, yet, no Pulitzer Prize.  I sing, but have I ever won an audition in my life?  Uh, no.

I taught myself to knit, cross-stitch, scrapbook photographs, sew, bake a souffle, and take photographs without a flash.  I'm good at a lot of things, mostly because I had the good fortune of growing up with a father who taught me that if you can read, you can do anything.  I can read, so I can do stuff.

Yet, I'm not the Best in the World at anything, much to the chagrin of my formerly yearning-to-be-perfect-heart.  (Because if you aren't the Best in the World, what point is there in going on? says the perfectionist in my head just before I stuff a sock in her mouth.)

But I am an expert in the art of gaining weight.  And so, without further ado, I offer you these handy-dandy weight-gain tips.  Feel free to post them on your fridge and print them on a t-shirt. 

1)  Eat fast-food in the car.  Be sure to get the extra-large whatever, because it makes better fiscal sense to spend an extra fifty cents for an extra two thousand calories.  Always order fries or the fried side-dish of your choice.

2)  Never pass up an opportunity to purchase holiday candy during after-holiday sales.  If you pace yourself, your Halloween candy will last until Christmas candy goes on sale.  Then, you just have to buy enough (on clearance, because who doesn't like a bargain?) to last until Easter.  Eat it without really paying attention, though, because it tastes better that way.

3)  By all means, don't do what she does.  She lost over a hundred pounds by joining and following Weight Watchers on-line.  Did I mention she runs marathons now?  Do not put on sneakers and do not run.  I'm warning you!  Sit down!  Now!  Feet up!

4)  When you feels miserable and maybe just a little bloated, repeat after me:  "I am a miserable failure. Where is something salty to eat?"  Then find some potato chips and eat them straight out of the bag.

5)  When you're feeling down (or when you're feeling jubilant) go to a movie.  At the snack-bar, order a large popcorn and Diet Coke.  (I know everyone kids, but Diet Coke negates the popcorn calories.  Really.  I read that somewhere.)  Never deviate from this order, unless, of course, you add a bag of Pop'ables or Almond M&Ms. 

6)  Have Chinese food for dinner.  Get something high in fat, like Cashew Chicken.  Eat it until you can't move, then save the rest for lunch the next day, only eat it as a bedtime snack. 

7)  Bake brownies.  I have the best recipe in the world, I kid you not.  Always be sure to lick the batter, then cut them into gigantic squares.  Only eat one!  (Okay, eat the rest of the pan after the kids go to bed and the next day, when they say, "Where are the brownies?" say, "What brownies?"  Look puzzled.) 

Don't like brownies?  (Huh?  Then we are no longer friends!)  Make fantastic chocolate chip cookies to cheer up or celebrate with "the kids."  (Kids optional.)  Then eat the dough and a handful of cookies, too.  Did you know cookie dough and broken cookies don't count in your overall caloric count?  (You heard it here first.) 

8)  When out and about at night running errands, say to yourself, "Oh, wouldn't some ice cream be good? I could stop at Dairy Queen. It's so close."

Then, in the drive-thru line, say to yourself, "Oh, what the hell. I'll get a Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard since I'm here anyway. Next time, I'll get a small cone, but I deserve a Blizzard. Yum. Who cares, anyway?"

Then hide the cup in the outside trash can when you get home.

9)  Do not underestimate the importance of second (and third helpings).  Change into elastic-waisted pants, if you need, but do not stop when you feel full.  Just eat a little more.  And by little, I mean two more slices of pizza.  Or three if they're small.

10)  At lunchtime, if you can't figure out what to eat and you're out of salad or bored with salad, eat a generous slice of pecan pie.  Or two.  Nuts have protein.  Protein is good.  Eat up!

And a bonus:  Be sure to eat when you are hungry and--most importantly--when you are not.

You're welcome!

Comments

[Jennifer]

lol!

It's starting to get spooky how much alike we are. ;-)

Oops, I just got cheese sauce on my keyboard! Really low fat cheese sauce, I promise. It's the virtuous nacho recipe I got at hungrygirl.com We'll talk about eating in front of the computer another day, k?

[Yvonne]

Yikes - I saw (or see) myself in quite a few of those steps! I should post them on my fridge - to keep from doing them - thanks!

[Elizabeth]

Yes, do you mind if we copy these to a Word Document and print them to post on the fridge? Because I saw myself in WAY too many of those!

I just picked up a new magazine at the store called "Looking Good Now", and it has an article by "Hungry Girl" of new foods she likes that are surprisingly low-fat and tasty. It's a great magazine too; my husband flipped through it and then declared it to be "diet food porn"!

[judyh58]

Did I invite you over?

It seems I would have remembered.

[Jennifer]

I've done the Chinese food thing one too many times. For me it's sesame chicken. I love the stuff.

[5 Minutes for Mom]

That is brilliant!!!

Your honesty, self-awareness and humor are a killer combination.

Thanks for sharing.
Susan

[Fitorfat2]

Holy Cow!!! No wonder I look the way I do, seriously, I had no idea that I was doing almost all of these things! Especially the browie one, I have actually taken a pan into the bathroom to eat so that my kids wouldn't catch me doing it!!!

Thanks!

[nancy]

Scarey, I felt like someone had taken chapters out of my journal...Something has to change. Atleast I know I'm not alone or really off.

[Jyl]

I learned my behavior from my mother. I am a hider. My father would bring a pie home and a 1/2 gallon of ice cream. He'd cut a slice of pie and get a scoop of ice cream. He'd offer my mother the same, and of corse she'd say no she's watching her weight. But sure enough, as soon as my dad left for work the next morning she had devoured the entire pie and the 1/2 gallon if ice cream and sent me to the grocery store to replace the items that were now missing. As my reward for making the trip and keeping her secret, I would get to have the slice of pie and scoop of ice cream to make it appear it was as my father left it. I am guilty! I hide and eat so noone can see!Then it then it occurs to me they do see, how can anyone miss me?

[Christy]

OMG.. That is sooo like me. All of it. I can't even pick one that is more like me.. Keep up the good diet work.. I need to be doing this too......

[liz]

Hey there,

A little while back I blogged about this post on ThisNext.com (check it out at http://blog.thisnext.com/blog/the-amazing-shrinking-mom.html). ThisNext recently started a month-long private beta and I'd love to invite you to come to the site and make a list of your favorite fitness and health products (and any other products you love).

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Thanks,
Liz

P.S. Don’t hesitate to email me any questions! (lizbarker77@gmail.com)

[Sylvia]

That is so funny. It made me laugh. Especially since it was as if I was reading about myself. Oh my gosh. No wonder I can't lose weight. When you look at it that way it is easier to see how to get thin.

Thanks for the post.

[Aimee]

Hilarious! I am suffering from a torn shoulder muscle and that combined with the fact that my 4 yr old son now eats Chicken Nuggets, French Fries, Pizza, Mac-n-Cheese (of course with added shredded sharp cheese), Oreos (need I go on) I have now gained 18 lbs since November!!!!!! Put it this way, I only gained 19 lbs my whole pregnancy so I am not a person who gains weight easily. NOTHING I own fits. grrrrr. You made me laugh so hard, and I needed it today so thank you!

[Jared]

I'm trying to put on a few pounds, and half of those never even crossed my mind. Here's to getting fat! The one thing in my life I have control over!

[Robin]

OMG! No wonder! I do most of these things or some slight deviation of them.

I love your sense of humour.

[betty maybin]

Iwant to try the diet , how do i just copy the diet without alltheother info? Ijust want to loose the weight please! can you just e-mail it to me I'm dibetic too thanks

[Elizabeth Thompson]

I guess when you hold up the mirror like that and I don't like what I see, it is time to take action.

[steps to get your ex back]

Reading this after watching the Victorias Secret Fashion Show made my DAY. What a hilarious post.

[Alex]

gaining weight is easy after all for most people. anyway, i loved your sense of humor
great post, thanks for posting