Self-Disclosure: Good for the Soul

You know when you first meet a stranger and that stranger babbles on and on, disclosing way too much information within the first ten minutes of your meeting?  And you kind of think, hey, I hardly know you--please, stop!  And then later, you vow to avoid that person who clearly has no personal boundaries?

Well, I'm going to try not to be that over-disclosing stranger who makes your ears bleed with embarrassment. 

That said, you already know I'm fat.  Maybe I wouldn't have disclosed that information so readily if this weren't a diet-blog, because really, I hardly know you.  (Well, I know you, but you?  I don't know you.)  And the funny thing about being fat is that on some level, I think that if I don't mention being fat, no one will notice. 

About ten years ago, my husband and I were going to a church picnic with our children.  We stopped on the way to pick up a bag of potato chips.  Our town was so small it didn't even have a stop-light, only a blinking light at the main intersection.  So I knew that when I went into the local market to buy a giant bag of chips, everyone would see.

I left my husband in the car with our twins and ran in to purchase the contraband.  When I returned, clutching the chips, I said breathlessly to my husband, "Oh, that was embarrassing.  I wish they'd given me a bag for these.  Everyone's going to see me with these and think I'm eating chips!"

Duh.  As if no one would notice that I was a voluptuous women wearing size sixteen pants.  Didn't I realize that people could tell I ate potato chips by the size of my waist?  Who did I think I was fooling?  Only myself.

Well, that's how it goes.  I didn't get this fat by overeating at church luncheons and family dinners.  Nor did I gain weight by sitting in the middle of McDonald's with a Big Mac and large fries.  I pretended to eat normally in front of my family and friends, but the truth was, I ate secretly, savoring pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream (Marsha Marsha Marshmallow) and family-sized packages of Halloween or Easter or Christmas or no-holiday-at-all chocolates I kept hidden in my desk drawers.  (Or in a very clever hiding spot:  coat jackets.)  

We fat girls get this way by ordering at the drive-thru window and eating while we drive so no one sees us.  We eat in the dark or alone or standing over the sink.  We think no one will notice, which is hilarious, when you think about it, because hello?  Did you see the size of my pants? 

I'm telling you this because telling you will unwrap the secrets, air out the shame and shake out the crumbs of my past failures.  Hey, I already told you I was fat.  I may as well admit to the reasons behind my fatness.  (And mind you, I'm speaking of my own personal experiences.  I'm not accusing anyone else of eating like a pig behind closed doors, even though I said "we" up there.  I was speaking in the plural about myself, because really, there's enough of me to make two really skinny people.)

(This is so embarrassing.  All of this.)

I promised to tell you my actual weight.  No one has ever known this besides my mother, my doctor and the lady at Weight Watchers.  So, promise not to tell!  (Because if no one knows the actual number, they won't realize that I'm fat.  Right?  Wrong.)

On April 17, the day I started my diet, I padded downstairs first thing in the morning.  I didn't even put on my glasses.  (My bathroom is carpeted, so I put a scale in the kitchen to weigh-in and then put it away when I'm done.  So, anyway.  Can you feel me stalling?  Hem-hawing, even?  Dragging my size-9.5 feet?)

Okay.  Fine!

Two-hundred twenty-six point four pounds.  That's right . . . 226.4 pounds.  My friends, that is fat.  I knew, even before I saw the number, though, that the news was bad because my size-18 Eddie Bauer jeans were snug, so tight I had to lay back on the bed sometimes to pull up the zipper.  So tight that sometimes, I'd just discard them and find something with an elastic waist.  So uncomfortable that I'd go eat something chocolate just to make myself feel better.

The good news, though, is that today I weigh sixteen pounds less.  My jeans are loosening up.  Hooray!  Good for me!  On the other hand, I still weigh 210, which is sixty pounds more than I ought to weigh.  (I'm 5'7".) 

So, now all of you should disclose your weight in the comment section.   

Ha ha ha ha ha *sputter* ha ha ha!  Just kidding.  Relax.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how I've lost sixteen pounds.  (And maybe other stuff, too.)

Comments

[Amanda]

I can't wait to read how you lost the 16 pounds! And good for you for being able to say your weight.

[Sue]

That's great losing sixteen pounds! Allow plenty of time to take it off. I lost 40# (twice). (Put 40# back on when I lost my Mom) The hard part for me is keeping it off. Food is a great comforter... For me the key is exercise every.single.day!

[Shelly]

I was going to leave my weight here, but being that I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant, I think that would kind of be null and void.

I will admit, I am wearing a pair of size 18 shorts today.

Bravo for you Mel on your venture here. I look forward to it!

[Andi]

I can't tell you my weight because I have worked very hard since the birth of my 21-month-old daughter not to know what it is. I've had numerous doctor's appointments in that time. I take my glasses off and ask the nurse simply to tell me whether it's up or down from my previous visit. The good news is, it hasn't gone up. The bad news is, it's not going down.

What I can tell you is that I'm currently wearing the size 28 jeans that I wore through the end of my pregnancy. They're way too big. They slide over my hips without the benefit of the fasteners. I keep telling myself that I'll buy jeans that fit once I start going to Weight Watchers again and seeing results.

[Jenn]

Oooh, glad to have found your blog. I've been doing Weight Watchers' since January... this time I'm doing Core instead of Flex and really trying to cut out sweets altogether. I'm down 28.4 lbs. since I rejoined. This is the first time, and I've joined Weight Watchers probably ten times in my adult life, that I've actually made it to 10% and gotten my little keychain! (And yeah, I'm wearing size 16 pants too. Which is better than the 18's that were snug right after Christmas!)

[MissKris]

I just had to follow you over here, too. I'm 5'7" too and my heaviest weight was 221 1/2 pounds. My second baby was 12 pounds at birth and I'd put on over 60 pounds while pregnant with him. When I saw how fat I was after giving birth, I gave up and gave in to EVERYTHING that would fit in my mouth. I was up to size 22s and XXLs. I went to Weight Watchers and lost about 80 pounds. Kept it off a while. Put it back on. Up down. Down up. Arggghhh...but I've been at a healthy weight now for 7 years. Lots of exercise and healthy eating is the key. Good luck to you, Mel...it's not easy and this former fatty is rooting for you! And I was a secret eater, too...my favorite hiding spots were the dryer and waaaaaaay in the back of cupboards. Even out on the back porch. Hideous but true.

[Sarah S.]

Oprah says, "own the number!!" You've got to KNOW what you weigh, and acknowledge that it isn't bloat, it isn't the shoes, it's you. You've taken the first few steps -- you own the number, and now you have DECIDED (another big step) to do something about it. GO YOU!! I'm so proud of you! Thanks for sharing the journey (I have size 9.5 feet, too! -- but mine are narrow! :-( )

[BigSlice]

Woo hoo! I'm holding steady at 179 pounds, with 50 to lose. We can do this, Mel... I'm so glad to have a clubmom dieting buddy!

[Jennifer]

I weigh a little more than you did BEFORE you lost the 16 pounds (oh boy, now I'm really jealous, well, not really, mostly a little sad for myself, but inspired a tiny bit too.) I also wear size 18 jeans, and opt for the elastic waistbands most days. Size 10 feet here, though, but I'm 5'10 so I need that extra 1/2" to keep from falling down. I'm still praying for a boost of motivation. Maybe a JOLT would be more like it, though. ;-)

[Stephanie]

That is wonderful!!! I am excited for you, maybe even getting inspired. I can't call this 'baby weight' any longer as the baby nears 8 months old! Thank you for your honesty. We need to hear this. Oh, and I already had a Club Mom membership from way back I guess, but now I will actually USE it because of YOU!!

[judyh58]

Can I have your old clothes?

[Suneet]

Hey Mel!! You are NOT fat - and definitely not in your wonderful sharp eloquent well-read mind! And that's all that matters. And I believe that not-skinny people are more fun, have more depth in their lives and can eat without having to worry about being fat. We wouldn't have such a humongous variety of food in the world if we were not meant to eat it, right? I mean how can you deny yourself of all the wonderful food out there? Skinny people worry too much about having to remain skinny, no?

[Shalee]

Ummm, Suneet... the answer to that is a resounding no. Being a "skinny" person doesn't mean that I don't have any less fun than you. I have depth as immeasurable as an abyss, eating more or less does not change this trait about me. I do eat without worrying about "remaining skinny”; I eat until I feel full and then stop. I do not deny myself the pleasures of the vast array of foods either. I enjoy everything from fried chicken to strawberry pie, from salads to stir fry, from cookie dough to biscuits and gravy. So see, there are some "skinny" people who know how to live life too.

[Mel]

Suneet . . . I do agree that there is a wonderful variety of food out there and we should eat. Just not all in the same day! Moderation in all things. (That's a lesson the skinny girls have learned, I'm guessing.)

Shalee . . . that's what I'm trying to learn. To eat when hungry and stop when full. That's the secret, I think, to lasting weight control.

As for being fat . . . well, Suneet, you are sweet, but I am fat. Really. And I want to live a long, healthy, active life, so I need to rid myself of the excess weight. I know that I am not my body--I'm just inside here--and I try to remember that, too, when I look at other people and not judge them based on their size, whether skinny, fat or somewhere in between.

[carrien]

I have to comment even though this is way out of date. I have a few friends that have significant weight issues. Some of them aren't even that over weight though they fluctuate wildly between sizes. None of them eat as much as I do, at least, not while I'm around. The crap in their cupboards is always somethings their husbands can't live without. One friend's husband could not stop talking about how much food I was eating, I took seconds and thirds on the salad and seconds on the meat. Apparently his wife doesn't eat that much in front of him, ever. But I was a size six, and she was struggling around 10 or 12. I've been puzzled for years as to how this could be I've thought maybe she and the others are just very unlucky in the metabolism department, maybe my blood sugar allows me to eat more. Reading this has opened up another option I had never thought of. They are probably eating in secret. Wow, I have no idea where to go from here but I guess the next time they ask me for eating tips I can send them here and they can find the same freedom you have by reading about it.