The Reason I'm Fat

I wrote this last fall in a top-secret, never-read blog that I started under a pseudonym.  The problem with having a super secret weight-loss blog is that I had no incentive to stick with it.  No contractual agreement to post five days a week, no audience reading and no fear joy of public humiliation success.  So, I'd pop in every month or two, post an angst-filled paragraph (or six) and then abandon it in favor of eating more cookies. 

Here, then, is the reason I'm fat, as I self-analyzed and recorded six months ago: 

The problem is that I don't really feel that fat. I mean, I am aware of my clothing size and on the rare occasion I see myself naked in a full-length mirror, I am horrified, but in my normal every day life, I feel pretty much the same as I always did, just as I feel twenty-two years old inside my head when my body is actually forty years old.  [Now I'm forty-one.]

So being fat doesn't bother me.

Until it's time to put on a swimsuit and swim. Or wear shorts and walk around in public. Or meet with a friend who hasn't seen me in a long time. Or have my picture taken. And that agony is about what people see and how they perceive me and what they will think.

I care about all that, but I don't care enough, apparently. I'm introverted by nature, so it's easy enough to just hole up here at home and not look at myself and not think about how I look to others because inside, I'm still exactly the same.   

But sometimes, I notice that my stomach is in the way. Getting up from a chair takes a little effort. I'm not as limber as I used to be. I'm sometimes winded when I walk up the stairs quickly.

On an entirely different plane, I long to be thin. I dream of having a flat stomach and clothes that actually flatter, instead of just disguise. I'd like to run around--literally RUN around--with my children.

But my days are long stretches of boredom and responsibility and stress. The weight loss experts are always offering unhelpful advice. If you are stressed or lonely, take a bath. Take a walk, read a book, light a candle, do a project, call a friend, exercise . . . and none of these things will work for me when I'm SICK TO DEATH of kids and trapped with them and feeling desperate.

So I eat. I pop something or another in my mouth and it's a little mini-party, a distraction from whatever's driving me crazy. Sure, I'd much rather go for a long meandering walk through the woods or take a steamy bath, but let's be realistic. My means of coping are severely limited by my current life. 

All of this sounds like an excuse, even to me. Some days, I tell myself, starting tomorrow I will exercise every day! I will eat vegetables and not cookies. I will talk a long walk when the kids are sleeping at night. But I don't. I am fighting inertia, laziness and circumstances.

The other stupid thing I do is this. When I am eating two cookies and reading . . . if I'm interrupted, I will get two more cookies are start again. It's ridiculous, but I do it all the time. I eat for entertainment and when I'm interrupted, I start over.

It's no wonder I'm fat. For really, the reason, the Main Reason is that I eat when I'm not hungry. And I eat horrible stuff when I'm not hungry--cookies, chocolate, crackers. If someone else were doing this, I would judge them harshly.

I do it and I can't seem to stop.

But this I know. I will. I will do it because I know I can. I will keep trying until I manage to succeed, she says with a tummy full of chocolate chip cookies.

Comments

[Jennifer]

Motivation is always easier with a belly full and a sugar high, isn't it?

I could have written what you wrote.

That's all.

[Mary]

Oh my gosh does this sound familiar. I don't have kids, but everything else is right on the money! Even with mirrors, it didn't dawn on me how big I was until I saw pictures of myself. I still can't believe that my behind was quite that ample. I saw someone this week that I haven't seen in about 12 years and I just wanted to tell him, just wait - come back in about 9 months when I'm much skinnier and we can replay all this over again! For me, it has taken a complete lifestyle change and I just was not ready for it until this year. How you "get ready" is still a mystery to me.

[Carmen]

Mel, you wrote what I didn't.

Preach it, sista.

[heather hajes]

I am the same way, except I eat cake and lots of it. It doesn't help that I work at a dessert cafe and take FREE cake home almost every night. I sometimes eat 3-4 pieces a day!! I lost all my pregnancy weight and then I gained 8 LBS. I can't stop, chocolate is more adictive than cigarettes or coffee.

[Cassandra Cole]

This all sounds so familiar. I wrote a story about my struggle with weight loss to Club Mom too. My grandmother read it and almost cried. Everyone else just looked at me with sad eyes, “Oh I didn’t know it was that bad.” Of course no one knows. Many can relate that’s why so many diet clinics and weight loss pill companies are doing so well in the market today. We all want the quick fix to feel comfortable in our clothes and to look stunning in that red dress. I’m not trying to be size 5 but I would love to be well proportioned for my petite frame. The bigger I am the worse my health gets; not good for my 5 1/2 and 3 year old. I want to run with them and live longer for them too. My main obstacle is my (6pm to 4am) job. I’m still 20 lbs or more from my goal after loosing it and gaining it back! Eating like it’s going out of style, staying up all day with my son, and then going to work and staying up all night for 4 days straight is killing the waistline. Not to mention the lack of sleep and lack of motivation due to tiredness isn’t helping either. If anybody can relate I can.

[sallyrogers]

You manage to tell the story for so many of us with more skill and precision than we have. Thank you for posting it out there for the world to see. I remember, not that long ago, saving Oreos in my desk drawer for those secret moments when my boss would walk away from his desk for a while. I would chow down on a handful of sugar and lard and then when the jeans felt tighter I would wonder why. I needed those Oreos to get through the day it seemed. I'm not entirely sure how I'm managing without them now except that they are just not there. You can't eat what you don't have. Of course, that's easier to stick to at an office rather than at home with a passel of chillun' underfoot.

[Monika]

For the longest time I didn’t own a scale…. just couldn’t bring myself to buying one because…. well frankly I just didn’t want to know. It was much easier to convince myself that I wasn’t really fat…. just have a ‘few’ pounds extra…. I’m finally ‘happy’ in my own skin. What a bunch of ca-ca. Who was I trying to kid…. oh…wait…. that’s right…. ME. I was never happy in my own skin. I avoided mirrors, bathing suits and anything without ‘sleeves’ and had convinced myself that because I wasn’t buying into the whole diet obsession I was somehow more emotionally advanced then those that did, after all I. WAS. HAPPY. IN.MY. OWN. SKIN. Being diagnosed with diabetes slapped those notions right out of my head.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I would LOVE to soak in a bath if stressed . .. but I have a preschooler and a just crawling/pulling him self up/falling down and crying 9month old, who has time for a bubble bath? Perhaps if I only allowed myself to be stressed AFTER the kiddos where in bed . . .
For the most part we don't have goodies in the house, but this is birthday/mother/father's day season for us and there is a lushis choco cake in the fridge that I just had a peice of. . .mmmmm. So do you do the "I better just eat it all now and get it out of the house so I can REALLY start my diet" type thinking. I do.

[angela]

hi, not a mom, nor do i plan to become one, but i stumbled across your blog. love it.

you hit the nail on the head. it's the same for me too. when i look at myself in the mirror, i still see the 135lb girl i was in HS. and 135 was *skinny* - disgustingly skinny. and it took starvation and bulimic episodes to get me there. i have no idea what my body is supposed to look like at a healty weight because i was either killing myself with eating disorders, or over-eating to prove that i cured myself of them.

even naked in the mirror, i cannot see an acurate representation of myself. it's a weird mental flip; then, all i could see was a disgusting and fat woman, and now, all i can see is a normal healthy woman.

220 is not normal, nor healthy. add in my BF with his slightly abnormal idea of what a woman should look like, and it spells disaster.

thanks for the daily dose of inspiration.

[carrien]

I totally used to have to start over if my quiet moment of indulgence was interrupted. If I hadn't savored them enough, I needed more. Oh Peak Freens orange blossom cookies, I have not tasted of thy slightly chemical tasting goodness with my tea in more than 2 years. (sigh.) I don't even have time to drink tea anymore. Or maybe I have fewer friends who live close enough to come over for tea.

[Elizabeth]

I'm the exact same way. I just don't feel fat until I see a photo and think oh, GOD, I'm FAT!

[Kvetch]

Wow. All my friends are thin. Like really thin. I need to keep reading this! I posted today about a weight issue and didn't get a lot of response. Oh well, guess most of my readers are thin too --- although I did hear from people I hadn't heard from before. I guess if I struck a cord with one, it was a jackpot.