I Am a Big Fat Liar, But Don't Tell The DMV

I'm close to reaching my original short-term goal, which is to lose ten percent of my body weight.  I started weighing 226.4 pounds and as of today, I've lost 19.4 pounds.  Only four more pounds until I reach the magic ten percent mark, which experts say will significantly improve my health. 

And then?  My next goal will be to reach the weight on my driver's license.  Click on that picture, if you dare, and when you finish mocking the ugliness of the photograph and thanking God that your driver's license picture is gorgeous in comparison, check out the weight. 

Did you?  If you did, you can see that I lied and said that I weighed 180 pounds.  A hundred and eighty pounds!  Which, clearly, is horrifying, but not as horrifying as the truth that day.  That day, the day I turned forty, the day I declared months in advance that I would reach without being fat, I was Fat. 

(At first, months earlier, I did the math and said, "Okay, if I start tomorrow, I could lose forty pounds by my birthday."  And then, a few months later, "Okay, well, I could still lose twenty pounds."  And then, weeks flew by and I gave up.  I was fat on my fortieth birthday.) 

I weighed at least 220 pounds, but I lied.  (Also, that hair?  Cut and highlighted soon thereafter.  I was trying to embrace my natural color after a lifetime of foil highlights, but . . . no.  Just no.  And that grown-out tangle of natural curls?  The result of not having a haircut for a year after a disasterous my-baby-is-three-months-old-and-I'm-so-ugly fit of cutting off all my hair.  Bad mistake.)

Lest you think my lying ways are the result of my current fatness, I present my driver's license from thirteen years ago.  I was living in Oregon then (oh, Troutdale, how I miss you!  oh perennial garden, how I dream of your perennial beauty!  oh, Mt. Hood, how I miss your ice cream cone-like presence!) and I was struggling to keep off the fifteen pounds I'd lost the year before.  I was wearing a size fourteen jean and lamenting the fact that I'd been reduced to buying dresses based on one simple criteria:  that they fit. 

I weighed about 160 pounds then, but can you see the weight listed?  That's right . . . I lied again.  It says 145 pounds, the weight I'd reached for about two weeks before I started eating chocolate raisins with crazy abandon.  I was certain I'd get right back down to that weight, though.  And then, well, then came motherhood and the isolation of rural Michigan and winters that lasted six months.  Then came my new best friends, chocolate pudding made from scratch (mmm, real butter) and homemade popcorn cooked in oil and doused in butter (mmm, real butter). 

Have I always been a liar?  Well, the better question is, have I always lied on my driver's license application?  Check this one out.  Here I am, practically a new bride sporting my 1980s glasses.  (Shut up.  They were in style then.)  I weighed about 150 pounds, give or take a can of Pringles.  And what did I claim?  That's right, 140 pounds!  I cannot tell the truth, apparently, even when the truth is not bad.  The truth was, my size 12 jeans fit just fine, I only had the suggestion of a double-chin and what was so bad about that?  (Soon after this, my dad died at age 47 and we entered the maze of infertility and adoption and hello, Dairy Queen, you are my New Best Friend.  Hello, size 14 jeans!  I never wanted to meet you!  Go away!  But, oh wait, now I'm naked!  Come back here!)

Surely, as a young woman, as a girl, as a high school student, I was truthful, right?  I was a member of my church youth group, a premier babysitter, a hospital "Volunteen," a Hi-Q team member, a teenager adored by adults and children alike . . . why would I lie? 

Well, I only lied a little bit.  I weighed about 142, as I recall.  I was convinced that I was fat and disgusting and that no one would ever want me, thus I would grow up and be an old maid, a spinster living with a houseful of plants and shedding cats.  I compared my womanly figure with those of the tiny girls at school, the ones who could do the flexed arm hang the longest when we did the Presidential Physical Fitness Test.  (Them?  Two minutes.  Me?  Seventeen seconds.  Them?  Eighty-eight pounds.  Me?  One hundred forty-two pounds.)  I was a size ten, perhaps, but I wanted to be a size four, or a size two.  But alas, I liked to eat.   

So, what about you?  Do you lie to the Department of Motor Vehicles?  Or am I alone in my deception? 

From now on, I tell the truth on my driver's license.  Meanwhile, only 27 pounds until I weigh what the Department of Motor Vehicles believes I weigh.  And on that day, I will be grateful to be a woman who weighs one hundred and eighty pounds.  (The seventeen year old me just had a heart attack and died.)

 

Comments

[sallyrogers]

My driver's license, acquired four years ago this month, states proudly that I weigh 150. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Heee, heee, hooooo. Whew, that was a great laugh. I weight somewhere closer to 180 at that time and, to put that in perspective, my next short term weight goal is 185. The woman looked at me with a yeah, right sort of expression and then typed in the 150. She was about my height and a little heavier so she new. It took some of the pleasure away from the lie. 150. Oh, how I'll love to see that weight again!

[Tracy]

How brave of you to post your driver's license photos! Luckily I get a reprieve because NY doesn't list weight on the license. But, if it did, I'm sure I'd trim a few pounds from the truth.

[Kvetch]

The lying about the weight on the drivers license I understand. Having all your old drivers licenses? That I don't understand! And you knew where they were? Maybe I've lived too many places and had to hand in my license to receive a new one too many times. I have lived in this state for seven years and still have my license from my last state of residence. Yes, dear, the state of confusion.

[Deborah]

You are a Pioneer in the truthful blogging world!! Four drivers license pictures, wow. (Even the one with the glasses!!) My drivers license picture is seventeen pounds off, and when I show it to people I say, "I was trying to hold Ike on my lap at the time, that look isn't a look of constipation, it is a pretend pleasant look when I am really aggravated."

and butter. ummm. Real butter. I heard that if you put a tub of margarine outside, bugs won't go near it becaue it is all chemicals. Eating margarine is like eating saran wrap--so there ya go. Butter is a healthy decision.

[Jennifer]

LOL! I think mine's worse. Mine started out true, but grew into a big whopper of a lie! My driver's license states that I am over 100 lbs lighter than I really am.

You can see the proof right here:

http://sobahmysoul.blogspot.com/2006/05/my-weight-never-changes.html

[Michelle]

yep, my driver's licence says 180 too, I would look great at 180! I stepped on the scale today and was so pleased! But then we just had the flu in this house, so it can't count. Bummer!

[Shelly]

Now I don't find it amazing that you lied in the weight on all of your driver's licenses. What I do find remarkable is that you still have them all!

One thing to remember is that sometimes weight is not a good gauge of where you are. Back in the days when I was running and really skinny, I really couldn't get any lower than 133 lbs. and I was a size 4/6 (also 5'7"). Muscle weighs more than fat. If I had been that thin without the muscle, I'd probably have weighed 20 lbs less.

Exercise, for me, is so much the crucial part of trying to maintain. Although I doubt that I'll ever see that size again, I can dream....and I think that it still says 133 on my license...hee, hee, hee.

[Mary]

My license says 180 too, how funny! I would be thrilled to weigh that. For a long time, it said 145, which is what I said when I got my first license at 16. I weighed 155 at the time. Finally, after two kids, the lady at the DMV looked at it and said, "We need to update this weight." I wanted to cry. I don't know how much I weighed then, but it was more than 180. Oh well, I'm on my way down now. Hopefully for good this time.

[Melene]

Thank goodness they don't make us stand on a scale before they take our picture. My weight is also listed on the back of my military ID and I hate it when the person looking at it turns it over and sees those numbers. The numbers on both my D.L. and my Military ID's are lower than they should be. And I'm ending this comment now. :)

[angela]

i came from the doctor this morning, where i went to get my depo shot. (and i'm sure all the nurses were like, "how does that FAT COW get enough sex to be on birth control?") i weighed in and to my horror, my scale at home is off by four pounds. i weigh 224. my license? says 160. oye.

[Yvonne]

My weight? - 162
Driver's License Weight? - 145
Achieving the Driver's License Weight? - Priceless

[Brianne]

Yes, and did you know that if you're off by so many pounds (I think it's 15 here in WA) you're legally obligated to notify the DMV?
Ha, like that's ever going to happen, my DL is over 40 pounds old too!
Now picture renting skis on your first date and having the guy you're trying to impress be in the room when the clerk "needs" to know your weight to better install your bindings. Ow. (odd, I've never been asked that since)

[tracey]

You are not alone.

[tara]

You know, I'm sure that high fives burn a fair amount of calories. Maybe you should try them. :)

[BigSlice]

Awesome. I've got to dig around and see if I can put my hands on my old licenses. Isn't it funny how the number has so much power over us?

[elizabeth]

Go tara! Mwahahaha!!

[judyh58]

If I'm ever stopped, I will just tell the kind officer that 'we' are conjoined twins sharing one head.

[Mary]

I'm impressed you even know your weight in all those photos. I think at this point, I've blocked all those little tidbits OUT of my brain!!! But I love the idea of showing your driver's license photos! I'll have to see how many I can find!

[kristyk]

Ha! When I went to the DMV, I told her I weighed 195 pounds and she said "No way! I'll put in 180!" I wonder how many people she has done that for... Although, at my last weigh in I was 181, so it isn't wrong anymore!

[Carol Snider]

Guilty as charged!!

Carol