My Back-Stabbing So-Called Friend

We were friends for a long time. Back when I rifled through my mother's hidden stash of marshmallows, you were there. When I sneaked cookies from the jar and restacked them so no one would notice, you were there. You even came along to my grandmother's house that summer when I was just nine. How embarrassing to find that Grandma had taped closed the M&M jar after she noticed I'd pilfered some. You understood, though.

You were my friend, even when my parents became enemies and broke up our family. You stood by me when I lost myself in middle school. After our separation in junior high, you appeared when I needed you again. You have been a steady friend, available at any moment of any day. Boring weekend? Nothing to do? You were there offering a bowl of ice cream slathered with peanut butter and chocolate syrup, and on a lucky day, miniature marshmallows.

My friends liked you, too. We'd all go out and eat french fries at Wink's, that dumpy little drive-in they demolished years ago. And a salty main course always called for something sweet, so we'd head over to the new Dairy Queen for a Peanut Buster Parfait. We were all pals. We stuck together.

Who needs boys when you have popcorn drizzled with butter?

My high school job made it convenient to spend time with you, which was great, wasn't it? All those tacos and freshly deep-fried chips? I loved those "Crustos" (despite the unappetizing name).  What's not to like about deep-fried flour tortillas dusted with cinnamon sugar?

True, we weren't on the best of terms in college, but I was so busy! I did appreciate how you'd lurk in the basement on the off-chance I might come downstairs with fifty cents for a Twix bar.  Yet, we didn't make time for each other. 

As it turns out, boys are more interesting than you, at least they were at the time. You have to admit, though, that occasionally, when we did get together, a whole pizza would disappear and sometimes a pound-size bag of M&Ms, too. And I never did practice moderation on those rare occasion we'd go a buffet. Hello!? Starving college student! I had to get my money's worth.

Even though I ignored you while I prepared for my wedding (all that sewing, what was I thinking?), I did perfect my one-pan brownies, didn't I?  That counts for something.  And let's not forget those jumbo muffins at the bakery next to work! See? Always, forever friends, even though my wedding was coming. I still thought of you often, even if we didn't linger at restaurants.

I really never expected to see you once I got married. And I probably wouldn't have if my husband hadn't started working the night-shift. I will never forget the first time we were together again. They're not kidding, are they? Once you pop, you just can't stop. I had to hide that Pringles can when it was all over so my husband wouldn't realize how much I ate when we reunited. We picked up right where we left off, didn't we?

Married life stressed me out, but not because of the marriage itself. The other stuff that happens to grown-ups challenged, teased and tested me--my dad's death, the infertility, adoption, moving, job changes, financial woes, my husband's cancer, parenting twins, pregnancy, moving again--oh, and let's not forget the breast lump and biopsy. I am so glad you were there for all of that. I am, really. You were the one I could count on. Making friends is tough when you're a grown-up!

But here's the thing. I outgrew you, just as surely as I outgrew those size 10 blue jeans. Sure, you still felt comfortable to me.  You calmed me down, welcomed me with open arms. But I grew tired of sneaking around with you. I realized that you act like my Best Friend, but you sabotaged me. You stabbed me in the back. You do not have my best interests at heart. It's really all about you and was never about what is best for me.

But breaking up was hard to do.  You became my worst bad habit, the dark sin I repented of every Monday morning. I was embarrassed by the way you dominated my time and I pretended that we weren't really that close. But it was clear enough to anyone who looked at me and my extra chin. The telltale signs told that we were on intimate terms.  I preferred spending time with you than anyone else.

So, you had to go.  Food, you were the sorriest excuse for a friend ever. All that time when I thought you were helping me, bringing me peace, entertaining me, you were wrapping your chubby little fingers around my heart, ready to cut off the circulation.

You were demoted. So, stay in your proper place.  From now on, you serve me, you nourish me, you keep me healthy.  That's it.  Our old relationship was clearly sick. 

I might be lonely for you and maybe I'll be tempted to call. You are so familiar to me! The easiest possible solution to every problem! Bored? Sad? Happy? Tired? Cause for celebration? Let's eat!  I may want to call you. But I can't. I've stopped. You are no friend, despite your chumminess.

We're breaking up for good. 

And I mean it this time.  Leave your key on the table and don't call me again. 

Comments

[BigSlice]

Go, Mel. You are awesome.

[GraceD]

Hey! Unlike a bad ex, Food can change! Food can become 'fuel' and 'nourishment' for your exercise program.

That's how I got over my breakup with Food.

I second BigSlice Jenny - you are awesome.

[GraceD]

Hey! Unlike a bad ex, Food can change! Food can become 'fuel' and 'nourishment' for your exercise program.

That's how I got over my breakup with Food.

I second BigSlice Jenny - you are awesome.

[GraceD]

Hey! Unlike a bad ex, Food can change! Food can become 'fuel' and 'nourishment' for your exercise program.

That's how I got over my breakup with Food.

I second BigSlice Jenny - you are awesome.

[Kvetch]

Good insight --- thanks for the reminder that we need to eat to live, not live to eat. I'll try that today. :-)

[Stacy]

Thank you for your comment on my own blog...

I enjoy reading your blog - I myself know the struggles of dieting as a woman and mom... good luck with everything, diet or no diet!

[Jenna]

Oh goodness, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. *shakes head with a small smile* I'm in every paragraph of your post, you know.

Thank you for sharing. *hugs*

[Kirsten]

You mean to say that my friend was cheating on me all these years with you?

Another reason we broke up!

[Deborah]

I wrote a letter like that to tequilla once. He and I were such good friends, we danced. We sang. It was all good, til the day he threw me off a log and I had to break-up. Unfortunately, you can't break up completely with food. (I sent tequilla packing, and haven't called him back since.)

[Mary]

Oh my gosh, this was so well-written and so true! You really have a gift.

[Eyes for Lies]

Wow, I never realized we had the same "ex" LOL. I've been deceived too!!! I'm 160 and need to drop. I'm only 5'5". Okay, 5'4" 3/4.

[Gwendolyn]

I see we all have the same ex, but BigSlice is right. We can come to terms with that ex can't we?

Love your blog, both of them. It's very encouraging that you are so transparent in your struggles and successes.

[tara]

Food is the ex that I keep getting back together with, like the friend with benefits. i love your writing, and WOW I have a new perspective from this moment on. I have changed the locks, changed my number and moved on. Thank you so much!!!

[Peggy]

Couldn't have said better!! I have been struggling for years - I am no spring chicken. Although I have recognized the role 'food' has played, I never wrote it down. Thanks for doing that. I am on a new road for a few months now. Thanks for reinforcing I'm on the right road.

[Julie K]

Bravo!
I could stand to drop about 60lbs worth of calorie burn on this one!
I had a really bad pregnacy, bed rest before and after delivery, once I was released to normal activities... I went and broke my leg...so back to the couch I went. I need to break it off with this friend to...this is a very toxic relationship!

[rani Shah]

whoa! you totally rock and you hit the nail right on the head!!! what is it about these "relationships" we have with food?!!!!! time to re-evaluate and move on!!!! thanks sooo much!

[Cindi]

I don't have a blog and don't really know how they work but I am so addicted to food and even knowing that, I can't stop. I am reading your posts and hoping to draw strength from them. Thanks for writing.

[Gina]

Amazingly, you and I have had the same "lover" and I need to break it off as well. Great post! I am withya sista! Thank you for putting it so well.

[Patricia]

Wow! That was awesome! Our "back-stabbing-no-good" friend sure does get around, doesn't he? I lost 62 lbs three years ago, and thought I'd gotten rid of him for good myself, but....well, you know how he works! I like this circle of friends much better!

[sue]

I found this blog by pure chance. How was i to know that you were all there waiting for me, my american sisters!I,ve been with weightwatchers since February and have lost 52lbs so far, but ive a way to go yet.How comforting to know that I,m not alone, just one of many.

[Cindy Swanson]

If only food was something we really could break up with permanently, as one does alcohol or cigarettes! But no, food has to be there in some form...we just have to learn to manage our relationship with it.

[Pam]

Wow, this lover gets around! Great Story you have a gift.

[Kymburlee]

Reading this post just made my day! Thanks so much for putting yourself out there and inspiring so many of us.

[Ida]

Yes! I have this 'ex' also. Food certainly got around! I still struggle with him. Sometimes he just won't stay in his place! Thank you for this wonderful post.

[Louisa]

Let's spread the word, food is not our friend! Yes, we need it for fuel but it is a rubbish emotional crutch. Instead of eating when we're sad, let's read trashy magazines in a lovely bubble bath instead!

[Kim]

This left me laughing and crying at the same time. Amazing! Thank you...

[Alex]

another great post thanks for sharing.