Falling down and getting back up again

I am floundering.

I am dismayed.

I am discouraged.

Losing weight following the low-glycemic index was so easy.  Avoid sugar and its evil twin, enriched white flour, and embrace whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and vegetables and lose weight.  It worked.  It worked until it stopped working and now I am supposed to cut my portions down to teeny weeny microscopic size in order to lose more weight.

I am allowed 21 Weight Watchers points.  Yesterday started off well enough.  I had a bowl of old-fashioned oatmeal with a tablespoon of Craisins.  At lunch, I had six Triscuits, a piece of string cheese and a pack of Apple Crisps.   As a snack, I had a Nutrigrain waffle and a teaspoon of organic, sugar-free peanut butter. 

At dinner, I had a salad with a can of water-packed Albacore tuna.  I followed that up with a bowl of cooked broccoli.

After dinner is where calamity struck.  I ate pack after pack of Apple Crisps and Strawberry and Banana Crisps.   It was like the old, fat days when I couldn't stop myself.   I ate two granola bars, the ones with two bars in each package (Nature Valley).   Heck, I may have eaten three packages.  I don't know at this point.  It was a feeding frenzy.  I dug into the 100-calorie pack snacks for my son's lunch, something with Reese's pieces and cereal.   I had two.  I think.  I quit journaling the second I veered from the Weight Watchers path.

I was out of control. 

Now, I do know strategies for handling that situation . . . change scenery, keep your hands busy, take a bath, read a book, go to bed . . . but I was working online and I couldn't--or didn't--stop myself.  I needed a big pack of gum, but I don't even have that handy.

I went to bed hating myself, of course, and feeling as fat as ever.  I was surprised I could zip up my size 12 jeans this morning.

Events like that make me feel alone.  I feel like a failure, like something is wrong with me.  Then I want to blame.  I blame the situation, blame my hormones, blame diets themselves.  (Do calorie-restricted diets make me lose my mind?) 

However, I am responsible.  I am.  I started my morning right, with a bowl of old-fashioned oatmeal.  I am drinking my water.  I will eat a salad at lunchtime.  I will exercise tonight.  I will make reasonable choices and I will journal them in the Weight Watchers online food tracker.

I guess I wonder if it's worth it to me . . . I will have to be constantly vigilant to lose more weight and to maintain that loss.  Unless, of course, I exercise a whole lot more and frankly, I'm not sure how I could manage that now that I'm working full-time (from home) and managing my household and four children.  Some people do . . . and I have no idea how.  My grit and determination are running out, I'm afraid.

But that will not stop me from doing the right thing, making the right choice, and incorporating more trite slogans in my blog.  Just do it. 

Comments

[Kvetch]

I'm trying the Weight Watchers Core Plan. Did you consider that? You can add in your extras with 35 points per week --- and otherwise you eat the way you ate before (low gly ind).

Don't give up!!

[JanB]

Mel, I am so sorry that this is so hard right now. I have the same problem because I am trying to reduce back to 1500 calories. Last night I blew it on brownies with peanut butter and did the same thing this morning. Damn!

Anyway, I use fruit bits in my oatmeal and I can have more because they have less cals than raisins or cranberries.

I have bags and bags and cans and cans of veggies because they are so "cheap" in points or cals. Fish is great, butter spray really helps a lot and I don't eat rice, crackers, bread or any dairy because if I eat that I just can't "afford" any other food for the day. Fruits, veggies and more fruits and veggies. And very low cal sauces, like the Iron King chinese sauces that I love.

Email me.

[Carrie]

I don't have a blog (yet), yours is very inspiring. I really enjoy reading your posts..especially about weight loss.. I feel your pain regarding your struggles and I'm trying something new..so I thought I would share. I don't know if you ever watch Oprah but she had her favorite thing show..well to make a long story short one of her favorite items was a Shaklee get clean kit..which was cool..but they also have these [product(s) called cinch..well I read some of the testimonials and it looked good..so I'm trying it..just thought I would share what I found. you can check it out at www.shaklee.com/carrie_newcomb. Today's my first day..and I must say the shake I had a 7am kept me full until noon..normally I have at least one snack.

[Roxie]

Just keep doing the next right thing. I've just started reading your blog and you've done some amazing stuff. Get up, dust yourself off and do the next right thing. You can do this. You have the strength.

[breckgirl]

Oh Mel - I just had one of those same freak outs the other day. I was mad at my husband so I ate a bunch of crap. Well, as much crap as I could find in our house, which is not much because we don't really buy much of it anymore. But it didn't matter - I OVER ate - intentionally. And who did it really hurt in the end? Me, of course! I am still hovering at 150-ish - stalled for the moment. I know what you mean about feeling alone when this happens. Like Roxie said, just keep doing the next right thing. Drink your water, do your exercise, and - to remind you of a tip YOU gave a while back - try to focus on what you CAN eat, versus what you can't. I liked that tip - it works, when I work it.

My best to you - I will think of you tonight as I slave away on the Nordic Track!

[Monika]

yep...been there, done that. sometimes it feels like an out of control rollercoaster, up a pound or two, down a pound or two. Hate it. I think (for me anyway) the thing to remember is where I started and how I'm NEVER going back to that 'fat-self' EVER. Just pick youself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. And don't you look HOT in your new skinny jeans...and doesn't it feel GREAT to not have to shop in the plus size department. That's usually enough to get me moving again.

hugs you Mel...it's been a great ride hasn't it? We've come a long way! This is SO doable! Cookies might win the battle, but they will never win the war.

[Julia]

I once met a weight loss counselor who said she always told her clients first thing that she wasn't there to 'take away their cookies'. It seemed to help them get past those frantic feelings that accompany self-denial.
It happens, Mel. I often feel that way when I begin anything that is restrictive. I automatically start hoarding or overeating...not a good response, I realize, but normal.
WW works great, and as soon as you are comfortable, you will be able to give up your cookies. Try not to fret...it's just a feeling and it will pass.
Just to let you know, your honesty about your struggles on this blog has helped me more than all the diet tips put together.
Keep going...and thanks.
A Humbled Julia

[iportion]

I have been having problems too
and understand. I hit goal but keep hitting the binge monster.

[Shannon]

OMG so funny...no, not laughing at you, just at the fact that I did the exact same thing last night. I've been on WW for 4 months now and have lost 17 pounds. I've been stuck in a plateau for a bit now and this cold weather is really getting to me...I also have 3 little girls, am a stay at home mom and we all have cabin fever. Anyway, last night (after dinner) I started by heating 1 apple, then another apple, then one granola bar, then TWO more granola bars. Some string cheese. A piece of kraft american cheese. A piece of salami and some yougart later and I just had the worst stomach ache!!! And I feel like total yuk today. BUT, I got up, had my smoothie with all the oils and crap and have done ok all day. So, hope it makes you feel better that you're not alone (and I probably ate alot more then you last night :))))))

[Christine]

Hi Melanie, I think the reason this is happening is that you are not eating the foods that your body needs. Even if it fits into the WW plan and is however many number of points, it can be the wrong food for your body, which will only cause you to crave more. Don't be so hard on yourself, because there is probably something chemically going on inside and not just emotionally. One thing that really helped me was taking the Metabolic Type Test at www.metabolictypingonline.com and finding out what is good for my body right now. That is one of the huge things Weight Watchers doesn't take into consideration. I know it works for a lot of people, but calorie counting can only get you so far. And the second you stop, you start gaining weight again. That is not how our bodies are supposed to work - they are supposed to be in balance. Since I found out my Metabolic type, I found out I need a ton more protein and (healthy) fat than I thought, and after eating like this for a few weeks, I don't even crave sweets, and that is a huge difference. Just a suggestion for you. Email me if you would like to know more about it.

[Christine]

OMG, so sorry I spelled your name wrong!

[Cindy]

Hi Mel, I feel awful that you are struggling with WW. I have never done WW, but am finding that the journaling is important. Have you considered weight training? If you increase your muscle, you'll burn more off while you are sitting there at your online job. I have the time problem, I imagine you do as well.

I wish you all the best. You have been my weight loss hero, I hate seeing the struggle you are going through and I hope you will continue to share the ups and downs.

[Michelle]

Man I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I still have 30 (or 40 if I'm really ambitious) pounds to loose and I generally start my days like you off on the right foot but then I always manage to get side tracked and so it goes. . .one of these days I'll get back on track.

Thank goodness you can't undo in one day all the work you've done so far and that tomorrow is another chance to get it right.

[SaraB]

Oof- that's rough. I have been there all week. I haven't been eating out of control, but I am trying to limit myself to 1600 cal a day, and I've been doing okay, but then I went out to dinner twice this weekend, and felt guilty about ordering pasta and enchiladas.

Hating yourself isn't going to change the calories you ate, so I hope you are over that, and I wish you strength and a pack of gum!Here's what I'm wondering - if I am feeling super snacky, and I eat 400 baby carrots, is that okay because it is carrots, or is it still the same problem? Bingeing, because just because it isn't my friend/nemesis fat and sugar, does that make it okay - or is it like a drug addict using methadone? Same problem, just a different drug. That's what I want to learn to do - to not fear food, and to not have the compulsion to continually eat and eat and eat.

Also, I am like you on the restrictions. I decided on a number 1600 calorie limit - and the first week, I was way over and suddenly compelled to eat things just because I had decided I shouldn't. I think you hit a key point when you said "is it worth it?" - I am writing myself a motivational list on my blog, to remind myself why. I've got to, because it has been 1.5 years, and I am still fighting the urge to sitting down with a loaf of french bread and some really good cheese and saying to hell with it! I'm glad you're sticking to it - I'm here with you! We all are. Your blog is one of the reasons I was inspired to lose weight - being part of the Diet Naked Team has led me to be 58 pounds lighter! So you must continue for all of us who need you.

Is there an award for longest comment ever? I never win anything! :)

[Poppy]

Hi Mel,

Oh, I feel you. I really do. Weigh in is tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

But let's talk about you. I don't think you're eating enough early in the day. The oatmeal is fine, but you had such a small lunch. Even with the waffle and peanut butter, it's not much. Just a few bites. And then a salad for dinner?

I'd wolf down the entire kitchen after a day like that.

Can you find some satisfying yet low-point foods you like? How about adding a soup to dinner. Fresh fruit for a snack? Some low-fat microwave popcorn?

Or that idea about doing the core plan--that might work.

As always, good luck!

[Cathy]

Oh, you're not alone! Definitely not! I am all too familiar with that "can't stop" out-of-control feeling. I am just impressed that you picked yourself up and started up again in the morning. *Very* impressed.

[Laura]

Mel - I've followed you a long time and am impressed at how long you have gone without floundering. I think it was in the air b/c I too ate too much last night. Today, we pick ourselves up and go again. Good luck!

[Sarah]

I'm feeling your pain. I have actually managed to lose quite a bit of weight using the old skool work out and don't eat so much diet. I joined WW for the sake of my husband who, I think, wanted me to join so he'd have someone to measure his portion sizes for him.

I had faithfully been losing 1.2 pounds per week, every single week, since August. No more, no less. I'm currently at the very highest end of a healthy BMI range, and would love to get smack dab in the middle of the range and stay there.

First, since joining WW, I have gained 3 pounds and been stuck there for two weeks. Second, I hate the constant vigilance and it depresses me that if I'm to NOT be fat for the rest of my life I'm going to have to look at food like currency I'm withdrawing from a very low balance bank account. Third, I'm currently stuck with trying to survive on less than 20 points and if I were to switch to "maintenance mode" now, at this weight (which is 25 pounds higher than where I'd like to end up), I'd only get 24 points. For the rest of my life.

Blech.

[Sandy McCann]

I am convinced that there are two major things to know:

1)the only long term solution is to find out what each of our individual bodies need (which of me varies during the month) and then play that to advantage.

2)Be aware of our triggers for overeating and focus on avoiding THE TRIGGER not what we did when we fell for it. In other words pick ourselves up and blame the THING that pulled us off the path so that we don't let it sneak up on us as easily the next time (aka: pick yourself up and start over.)

I am in the crazy roller coaster ride of "the change" and I think I have finally had to admit I just can't keep crackers in the house right now....they literally call my name (what! ...you mean you did not hear them calling me, REALLY they did, LOL!)

I also agree with the thinking of some of the other posters that carefully picking how you use your points to meet your body's needs (like I said above) is probably the important thing. Your Triscuit lunch for example is a fine choice, but for me it would be a recipe for doom. I would be better to have 2 string cheeses and n crackers. Better yet for me would be celery with laughing Cow light...fiber, crunch, yummy but does not set off the trigger for me like Triscuits do.

Hope each of us finds our balance...I am feeling I am getting closer to understanding what it looks like for me, which is worth the occasional set backs in order to gain the long term knowledge, right? ...now if it would stop being a moving target of the whole monthly (which is now NOT monthly anymore) cycle.

Hang in there!

[Sandy McCann]

I am convinced that there are two major things to know:

1)the only long term solution is to find out what each of our individual bodies need (which of me varies during the month) and then play that to advantage.

2)Be aware of our triggers for overeating and focus on avoiding THE TRIGGER not what we did when we fell for it. In other words pick ourselves up and blame the THING that pulled us off the path so that we don't let it sneak up on us as easily the next time (aka: pick yourself up and start over.)

I am in the crazy roller coaster ride of "the change" and I think I have finally had to admit I just can't keep crackers in the house right now....they literally call my name (what! ...you mean you did not hear them calling me, REALLY they did, LOL!)

I also agree with the thinking of some of the other posters that carefully picking how you use your points to meet your body's needs (like I said above) is probably the important thing. Your Triscuit lunch for example is a fine choice, but for me it would be a recipe for doom. I would be better to have 2 string cheeses and n crackers. Better yet for me would be celery with laughing Cow light...fiber, crunch, yummy but does not set off the trigger for me like Triscuits do.

Hope each of us finds our balance...I am feeling I am getting closer to understanding what it looks like for me, which is worth the occasional set backs in order to gain the long term knowledge, right? ...now if it would stop being a moving target of the whole monthly (which is now NOT monthly anymore) cycle.

Hang in there!

[Missie]

Mel,
I had the same kind of day, Friday I think it was. Just out of control eating after the day started so well. And it was because of stress.

Play around with the food, find out what gives you the most bang for your points-buck, and keep the house stocked with that. When you feel the need to overeat, choose healthy. I know it's hard with kids and husbands in the house...my pantry would look totally different if I lived by myself. But it is still me that crams all the crap into my mouth.

You can do this thing. You have done this thing. It does get old after awhile, but sometimes mothering feels that way too and we can't just give up on the kids or send them to Siberia. Sometimes marriage is that way, and we can't sell our husbands on eBay. We are in a long-term relationship with our bodies, and we have to learn what makes it work right.

You are an inspiration. Now go eat some baby carrots.

[Farmer]

Oh Mel - I've been there, done that.

Here are some really inspiring words (no I didn't write them - they're from JuJu of The Skinny Daily Post). But they really resonate with me:

"Over the course of your life, there will be times when your weight goes up instead of down, when you eat things that you know you probably shouldn’t, when you feel weak and depressed, and when it seems like you’ve really messed up your diet. There is just one thing to do when that happens: Don’t give up. One step backward changes neither you nor the facts about weight loss. So get right back up and do it again!"

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

[b]

I see you. You are a smart and pretty woman with four awesome looking children. You have a good life. There is no reason a person like you should think that she is an utter failure.

But I do the same. Yesterday it was news of cancer in the family. Cancer for a health-conscience person who works out religiously and eats well, never smoked and drinks moderately. Cancer that could kill him. So, I ate and ate and ate. Cookie dough, Doritos, whatever I could get my hands on. Went to bed feeling like the worlds worst mother/wife/person. But reading your blog I think, "Maybe someone sees me the way I see her. Maybe they think I'm crazy for disregarding all that I am because I'm an emotional binge eater. Maybe I don't suck as bad as I thought."

So thanks.

[Mary]

I have noticed, over the years, that I have more trouble with binge eating like you describe at this time of year than I do in the summer. I do wonder if it's our bodies going back to caveman times, trying to hibernate through the long, dark winter. The last two days have been terribly stressful for me, but it's been bright and sunny out, and I got out in the sun for a bit, and I've had no problems with eating too much. Hang in there. I admire you so much for what you have accomplished, and I know you'll conquer this too.

[Cindy Swanson]

I really don't have anything to add to the host of terrific advice here...just wanted to echo the encouragement. Hang in there! :)

[Carole Medley]

Mel, haven't ever commented on ANY blog but I felt I had to this time. I am struggling, too and had a binge day the same day you did. I've tried'em all, including WW back in the 1980s. It also "worked until it didn't work". I've lost a similar amount to what you have lost and I would like to take off another 8 or 10 lbs. but I keep playing around and gaining/losing. No real words of wisdom (you don't need them, you are doing great) but I wish, wish, WISH you'd read Gary Taubes' book "Good Calories, Bad Calories". You will be amazed with the information that is "new" to us who only hear what the conventional wisdom is and yet has a certain "I KNEW that" quality to it from our own personal experiences of dieting/exercising. Honest, your jaw will be on your chest a good part of the time. Best of luck to you; I enjoy your writing so much.

[Corina]

Mel, I've been following you for what, a year now? And I just wanted to chime in with the commenters who say: one stumble, or a dozen stumbles, does not mean you're floundering. It means you're human. You have a goal, and you've been impressively diligent and consistent in working toward it. You've been successful. But you've been working toward it for a long time, and you're a little tired. It's winter in the Pacific Northwest and it's dark and dank and you're working really really hard in other areas in your life and so this one goal, of losing weight, of getting even skinnier, maybe had to take a temporary backseat to the goal of just getting through the day. But you know it was just temporary, it was just a little blip, barely a sentence in the narrative of weight loss and commitment to health you're living. And maybe after looking at the costs and benefits, after looking at your entire life, you'll decide that losing more weight (rather than just maintaining your current stunning weight loss and keeping your body healthy) is just not worth it to you right now. And that's ok too. Because you are already a success story. You don't need to prove to anyone that you can do this, because you already have.

[janet]

Mel, I haven't read the other comments but you can bet I will. That is how I started my "do it yourself" weight watchers. I have all the paperwork from when my sister did it.
Anyway, someone mentioned
BREAKFAST: oatmeal with skim milk, cinnamon and stevia
LUNCH: Turkey sandwich on 2 point bread with mustard and lettuce, baked tostidos with salsa, ton of lettuce and salsa
SNACK: plain no fat yogurt, frozen blueberries and all bran. sounds gross but I love it!
DINNER: something reasonable.
it's been a week and I love it. Thanks to your readers and good luck to you. You'll not be hungry with this plan!!
Janet

[Lee]

Hi Mel-
I too am guilty of falling off the wagon last night. Cheese crackers were the poison of this binger!! MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE AIR, CYCLE OF THE MOOON, ETC. Felt really, really awful about it but after reading your entry and other's comments, I accepted it. What I mean is, I understand it happens and we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off - and learn from it. Easier to say than do but your words and your reader's words, helped me understand it more and gave me the inspiration to want to do better tomorrow. I keep telling myself that getting fat was quick and easy but getting healthy is a challenge, never-ending, and constantly an education of self.

[Eyes for Lies]

Oiy, can I relate! I've started a program, and then yesterday decided a carrot cake would be good. The problem is after day 1, half the cake was gone (gulp). I know exactly how you feel!!

[Eyes for Lies]

Oiy, can I relate! I've started a program, and then yesterday decided a carrot cake would be good. The problem is after day 1, half the cake was gone (gulp). I know exactly how you feel!!

[Anvilcloud]

I understand your frustration. While you may not be making progress toward your goal, you have done a lot. You are now a lot thinner and healthier than before, and you are maintaining. Do credit yourself for what you have accomplished. Besides, for a binge, it seems pretty innocuous. I mean, you didn't have a whole pizza and three big bags of chips!