The Diet Naked Blog

Official Tuesday Weigh-In

I'm developing superstitions, telling myself that if I went back to weighing myself on Thursdays, all would be well.

Also, my 5-year old daughter who has no body issues weighed herself on my new scale and it reflected a weight 7 pounds higher than on the old (now broken) scale.

All the same, I was unhappy to see 185 on the scale this morning. 

So, let's talk about something else.  How about books?

Several books have been sent to me for my review.  I have wanted to bake a recipe from each book and tell you about it.  I've wanted to follow the instructions for sculpting my body using the BONUS! WORKOUT DVD INCLUDED, but I have not.  These books sit near my desk taunting me, so I am just going to tell you about them and be done with it.

The Big Book of Diabetic Desserts by Jackie Mills, MS, RD
I love the look and feel of this book.  It's a big soft-cover, the kind that will easily stay opened on your counter-top. 

As the title says, these recipes are designed with diabetics in mind.  They are meant to be a compromise between "disappointing sugar-free, fat-free desserts and sugar-laden, high-calorie sweets."  The categories include:

Great Cakes
Quick Breads
Sweetie Pies
Smart Tarts
Fruity Desserts
Custards and Puddings
Cookies & Bars
Pleasers from the Freezer

The Eat-Clean Diet Workout by Tosca Reno
Like her previous books, this one is a beautifully illustrated book.  This book appears to be comprehensive and may be quite possibly the next-best thing to having a personal trainer.  I have hope that I will one day sit down (on my exercise bike?) and read this book cover to cover and then put it into practice.  It comes with a handy-dandy bonus workout DVD.  I need to pop that thing into the DVD player and get busy.  (I'll let you know when I go from thinking about it to doing it.)  I do believe that following a weight-training program like the one Reno details in this book is essential to my fitness plan. 

Dr. Gott's No Flour No Sugar COOKBOOK by Peter H. Gott, MD
I like this cookbook a lot.  It's divided into two sections.  Part I explains how to thrive on the No Flour, No Sugar Diet.  (He has written a book with that title.)  The second part, the majority of the book, is devoted to recipes.  He divides them into categories:  Breakfast, Snacks, Appetizers, Soups, Salads, Wraps, Entrees, Side Dishes and Desserts.

I did bake a recipe from this book, the Banana Oat Muffins.  The texture was very good and, although they were significantly less sweet than  a typical muffin, I liked them a lot.  (I am a big fan of muffins.)  The recipes in this book are straightforward and call for common ingredients.  The sweetener he recommends is Splenda, my favorite sweetener.  I think this is a cookbook I will definitely use.  (And my family won't even know that I am cooking "healthy" for them.)

How Not To Look Old by Charla Krupp
Check our her website and you'll find out all you need to know about this book.   She promises "fast and effortless ways to look 10 years younger, 10 pounds lighter and 10 times better."  I'm thinking that I ought to read this book and quick!   I'm fairly low maintenance, but as I age, perhaps I ought to rethink that strategy.   

* * *
Okay, that's it.  I can cross that off my non-existent to-do list and stop feeling guilty about it.

Meanwhile, those of you who are losing weight will want to check in . . . and those of us who aren't, will NOT want to, but we will anyway because that's what we ought to do. 

Perfectionism and the search for acceptance

In response to a comment this week from someone who said I am too hard on myself, I thought perhaps they were unaware of my massive failures, of my many flaws and imperfections big and small.  I thought maybe they didn't realize that instead of reaching my ultimate goal of weighing 150 pounds (and living happily ever after) that I stalled at 170 p0unds for a year and then gained ten pounds.  Who am I kidding?  I have gained ten pounds, regardless of the change in scales and my denial of reality.  (The voice in my head looks at the image in the mirror and tells me that I am FAT, very very fat.)

Then I wondered if my commenter is right.  Am I too hard on myself?  I almost laughed out loud when I trip over that elephant in my living room, the perfectionist in me which has not only resurrected but has convinced me that I am an utter failure because I am not successfully losing weight. 

I am all or nothing.  I am either Good or Bad.  I am either succeeding or failing.  I can hold contradictory complex ideas in my head, yet I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that I am more than my waistline and that gaining ten pounds does not mean I may as well jump off the nearest dock into a deep, deep lake.

Here's something else to consider:  maybe this journey is about more than shedding fat and fitting into smaller jeans.  Maybe I ought to deal with the issues that bubble up, with the mean voices in my head that sneer at me when I eat a cookie instead of riding an exercise bike.  It's easier to restrict my diet than it is to embrace my imperfections.  It's easier to make rules about what I am allowed to chew than to even look my flaws in the face.

I have joked for years that I'm a recovering perfectionist.  I think the truth is that my inner perfectionist is wrestling for control, insisting that if I don't do everything just right, if I don't avoid every mistake that I am a complete failure.  My inner perfectionist is a bully.

I need to live in the gray area between black and white.  I need to find a comfortable place to sit in the land of forgiveness instead of forever poking myself with a sharp stick in the eye when I think I've fallen short.

Baby Steps

It is true, what someone said in comments.  When I started this diet on April 16, 2006, I had a no-nonsense, no-excuses approach.  I didn't eat a cookie for a good six months.  I never dreamed of eating the stray french fries from the bottom of the McDonald's bag.  I was Good, very very Good.

I've veered away from that stringent approach, perhaps inevitably. 

Yet, I know that most of the time I need to avoid processed foods (white flour and white sugar in particular) to be healthy.

So, for today, I'm doing all right. 

I had oatmeal for breakfast.
Big salad with tuna and light Italian dressing for lunch.
A "healthy" granola bar for a mid-afternoon snack.
An egg-white and spinach concoction for dinner.
One square of dark chocolate.
A sugar-free pudding.

I intend to have fat-free popcorn while I watch Survivor tonight and then possibly a South Beach ricotta dessert (thanks, Sandy, for mentioning that the other day). 

And than I can congratulate myself on having a reasonable day of healthy eating.

I did not exercise, today, which is unfortunate.  But one thing at a time.

Just so you know

I think what I need to do is read my blog from start to finish because I think I used to be a lot smarter.

And tomorrow, TOMORROW I will eat what I should, no excuses, or die trying.

If you were me, I would tell you to GET IT TOGETHER, CHICK!

Official Tuesday Weigh-In

Today I weigh the same, 184. 

However, I did manage to exercise this week, four times. 

The crazy thing is that I know that if I were really strict, I'd see a 6 or 7 pound weight loss in a week (as you usually do when you start a new diet).  Why am I not doing that?  Why am I just treading water?

Contest you may want to enter

Pond's clean sweep is sponsoring a Search for the Dynamos.  You and two friends could star in London at the World Premiere of MAMMA MIA!, the movie.  You can read all about it here, but note that you and your fantastic friends must be 40+ and embody the sassiness, sexiness and confidence of Donna & the Dynamos from the movie.  Check out the requirement and then go for it!

Hey, someone's got to win!  Why not you? 

Finding time to exercise

In December, I abruptly stopped walking in the mornings.  I could no longer work until midnight and get up at 6:15 a.m.  I told my walking buddy that I just needed a month off.

But sleeping turned out to be irresistible and I told her in January that I was giving up the morning walks.  I thought I would exercise later in the day, but then I started working forty hours a week, shifts starting around noon  and ending at midnight, broken in half.  I have two to four hours between shifts, but during those hours I cook dinner, eat dinner, spend time with my husband, clean up, maybe read. 

I'd hoped to walk during the lull between my afternoon shifts and my evening shifts, however,  reality has intruded:  on Tuesday nights, my husband teaches a class.  On Wednesday, my husband takes the boys to youth group, leaving me at home with the younger kids.  Thursday nights mean baseball games.  Fridays I work from noon until 9 p.m., with only an hour's break stuck in there.

I can't seem to get out of my house!

Wednesday, though, I decided to make time for exercise.  So, first thing in the morning (which for me is about 9 a.m.), I hopped on the exercise bike instead of jumping into the shower.  After the cardio, I did lunges, crunches, push-ups, and did some weight work for my upper arms.

Exercise is essential to me for several reasons. 

First, my metabolism all but stopped running when I stopped walking.  My weight, which I'd easily maintained for over a year, began to creep up.  I need the exercise to keep the weight off.

Second, I suspect that I am fighting a low-grade depression.  Exercise has always helped me stave off moodiness and dark days.  I think I'm stuck in a slow spiral of depression, making it tough to exercise, making the depression more persistent, which has me searching for something to eat.

Third, I'm getting old and notice loss of motion and flexibility and odd aches and pains when I don't exercise.  I don't care (as much) about the shape of my legs, but I do care if my legs aren't able to do what I want, when I want.  If I need to jog down the street, I want my legs to cooperate.  If I spend a couple hours doing yard work, I don't want my back to rebel for days afterward.

My life has changed significantly in the past four  months with the addition of my full-time job so I simply have to find a way to adjust.  Next fall (right around the corner, if your life is as fast-paced as mine) my daughter will go to kindergarten and I will have to adjust again to a different schedule.   I envision myself dropping her off at school and then going for an hour-long walk.  I hope!

Meanwhile, right now, I will do what I can. 

Now, my next problem is night-time snacking while I work at the computer (until midnight!).  Any suggestions?  I find I have little will to resist my urges when it's late, I'm tired, but I still have hours to go before bedtime.

Official Tuesday Weigh-In

Sigh.

Okay, fine.  I skipped my weigh-in last week . . . and so I have to weigh in today.  And it's only numbers, right? 

I have a new scale and it reports that I weigh 184.  I can't see how this is possible, but it is what it is.  I have my work cut out for me.

(Also?  I'm kind of sick of reporting bad news . . . but I know for SURE that if I didn't have this blog to keep me accountable, I'd slowly work my way back up the scale in defeat and despair.  But lucky me!  I have you!)

Time to weigh in.  I will try to rejoice with your good news and not feel sorry for myself.

(Also?  Thank you for your very supportive comments on the post below.  It's still mortifying to me that I am stumbling along like this.)

I might delete this because I am embarrassed

I was doing great, really great eating my boring prescribed diet.  I was, honest.  And then everything fell apart Friday.

Thursday wasn't so great, either.

On Thursdays, I work a crazy schedule, three shifts spread throughout the day.  I worked until midnight Wednesday, then started my Thursday morning shift by 8 a.m.  So, I'm tired to start with.  Then after a three hour shift, I have thirty minutes to shower before a phone conference.  After that, another half hour before I start a second four hour shift. 

Then, I work from 9 until midnight. 

By Friday morning, I was exhausted and I had to get up at 8 a.m. because I'd promised to bring my kids over to my deceased grandmother's house to help pack up her belongings.  I didn't have time for breakfast.  I rejected the donuts, but by the time I left at 11:30 a.m., I was hungry. 

I had no time to eat, though, because my shift started a noon.  I was thinking about food and then realized next to me were some animal crackers I'd brought along for my five-year old. 

So I ate them.

Then when I got home with literally one minute to spare, I threw all caution to the wind and ate tiny chocolate chip cookies directly from the round Trader Joe's container.  That's never a good idea, but still, I did it. 

The rest of the day just deteriorated.  I worked a five hour shift, then left immediately to run errands--my twins were having a birthday sleepover and I needed provisions for them, plus their birthday gift.  I hurried and returned home just in time to work another three and a half hours.  (I ATE A DING-DONG and it wasn't even worth it.)

I  never really had lunch, nor did I have dinner.  I ate processed foods, just junk throughout the day as if I had never dieted a day in my life.  It was insane, obviously. 

My work shift was super-busy and I ended up staying thirty minutes late at my computer.  Then I chatted with my husband, cleaned up the kitchen, visited with a mom who stopped by to pick up her son, checked my email, fixed the television (the DVR settings had been changed by a visitor, much to my chagrin), and finally sat down to read at 11:30 p.m. 

Then my husband and I had a misunderstanding and I spent the rest of the night crying.  I cried until I couldn't breathe, until I couldn't stop, even though I wanted to.  I woke up with swollen eyes and then cried some more.  Really, what a delightful way to spend the most beautiful Saturday we've had since last fall.  My husband insisted that I leave the house for some recreation and so I drove to a parking lot and cried for another hour.   

Then I went to a movie. 

Why am I telling you all this?  Probably to excuse my SCARY eating behavior today.

I ate popcorn at the movie, which is fine.  At least fine in my book.  Afterward, though, on impulse, I drove through a drive-thru restaurant and ordered a chocolate shake (which have so many calories that it's ridiculous) and a small bacon cheeseburger. 

My husband and I resolved our disagreement, but still I ate some dinner (a turkey burger, just the burger) and then a donut.  A DONUT.  *shaking head*

Oh, but it doesn't end there. 

When I went out tonight, I bought some ice cream which I ate after he went to bed.  (I might not be able to hit "publish" on this one.)  Then I ate some Pringles until the can was shockingly empty. 

I feel so sick to my stomach.

And, for the record, my eyelids are still swollen and red.  And they sting.

But I don't want to be fat, so I am going to put this day behind me and eat like a sensible normal-sized person tomorrow, even though we're going to Red Robin for the boys' birthday dinner. 

Oh, and I bought a new scale since someone broke my old one.   (The children all deny responsibility.)

After all this time, I am somewhat surprised that I still instinctively turn to food as a solution to emotional distress.  When my feelings are hurt and I judge myself harshly, food just shuts up and keeps my company.

The only problem is that food always brings along its partner, obesity, and the two of them only pretend to help while dismantling my life and stealing everything I've worked so hard to gain.  So, they've got to go.  Again.

Maybe I should change the locks.  (And, for the record, plan ahead better for crazy days.)

Hooray.

My plan worked.  I was happy to eat what was on my list.  I substituted eggs for the chicken breast at dinner--I didn't have time to make chicken since I worked all day.  And I ate strawberries tonight instead of an apple.  Last night I made up a list of substitutions that would work--again, I used Fitday.com to list the foods, since Fitday.com provides calorie and nutrition information.  I printed out the list, so now I know that three eggs are nutritional equivalent (in terms of protein) for chicken breast. 

Popcorn makes me so happy.  I like to "bulk" eat and vegetables and fat-free popcorn satisfy that need for me.  Plus, popcorn gives me something to look forward to.

I'm not weighing in tomorrow, but please, feel free to weigh in anyway for accountability's sake.  I am staying off the scale for a week, lest I grow super-discouraged and give up on my  brilliant plan before it has a chance to work.  (I am so impatient.)