Perfectionism and the search for acceptance

In response to a comment this week from someone who said I am too hard on myself, I thought perhaps they were unaware of my massive failures, of my many flaws and imperfections big and small.  I thought maybe they didn't realize that instead of reaching my ultimate goal of weighing 150 pounds (and living happily ever after) that I stalled at 170 p0unds for a year and then gained ten pounds.  Who am I kidding?  I have gained ten pounds, regardless of the change in scales and my denial of reality.  (The voice in my head looks at the image in the mirror and tells me that I am FAT, very very fat.)

Then I wondered if my commenter is right.  Am I too hard on myself?  I almost laughed out loud when I trip over that elephant in my living room, the perfectionist in me which has not only resurrected but has convinced me that I am an utter failure because I am not successfully losing weight. 

I am all or nothing.  I am either Good or Bad.  I am either succeeding or failing.  I can hold contradictory complex ideas in my head, yet I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that I am more than my waistline and that gaining ten pounds does not mean I may as well jump off the nearest dock into a deep, deep lake.

Here's something else to consider:  maybe this journey is about more than shedding fat and fitting into smaller jeans.  Maybe I ought to deal with the issues that bubble up, with the mean voices in my head that sneer at me when I eat a cookie instead of riding an exercise bike.  It's easier to restrict my diet than it is to embrace my imperfections.  It's easier to make rules about what I am allowed to chew than to even look my flaws in the face.

I have joked for years that I'm a recovering perfectionist.  I think the truth is that my inner perfectionist is wrestling for control, insisting that if I don't do everything just right, if I don't avoid every mistake that I am a complete failure.  My inner perfectionist is a bully.

I need to live in the gray area between black and white.  I need to find a comfortable place to sit in the land of forgiveness instead of forever poking myself with a sharp stick in the eye when I think I've fallen short.

Comments

[Sandy McCann]

A perfectionist in recovery? Interesting....I tout myself as a perfectionist in denial if called out to defend my style. When called on the carpet about it, I admit my flaw (so trying to be perfect IS a flaw!) but when left alone most of the time that perfectionist part of me actually seems to do some good in the world...and even in me.

Like you when I started this lifestyle change (what many would call a diet) I never veered off the path even an inch...ok...not even a millimeter, LOL! My life was busy then...plenty of the same things going on that wash me off the path now. I *hanging head* think I must give credit to my perfectionist nature for having helped me during that time.

SO...for me...in trying to embrace who I am and use it in the way God intended...I desire to unleash that part of my nature, but in the way that He intended...for good.

Do I have this figured out...no...

Do I live in the same black/white, good/bad, succeed/fail world you do....yes

...but...today is a new day once again:)

Thanking Him for letting us walk together on this...I know it helps me.

[caution]

Your writing is really worth reading. Thanks for your honesty. Be it weight or something else, we all have issues. Just yesterday, I was sitting in church miserable with the thoughts of how weak I am in some areas. I typically say, "Thanks, Lord, for loving me despite all my mistakes." But yesterday I began to see that he created so much good in me and he delights in the beauty of his creation. So your next post? Maybe share something magnificent about yourself? I'd like to read it :)

[ragtopday]

Mel - this post reminds me so much of the writings of Geneen Roth - have you ever read her? Two of her books that I love are "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" and "When Food is Love". Highly, highly recommended. I got them out of the library, and then bought my own copies. She talks a lot about just this sort of thing - loving the you you are right now.

[mrs darling]

I dont have a perfectionist getting in the way of my dieting or any such thing. Im sorta the odd duck out on this. I just dont like delving into why I eat and what sort of emotional baggage I carry. I eat because the food tasts good and thats where I end it.

Why does there always have to be some emotional reason from our past that makes us eat? I eat when Im bored, I eat when Im stressed. I just eat. Food is good and Im not going to add to that by saying something dumb like "foods always been there for me"! I hate it when people say that. My husbands always been there for me too and I dont eat him because he doesnt taste good.

Cant we be allowed to just eat because we want to and we like the taste of food? Apparently not in this society!

I never read the kind of books suggested here in the comments. They sound good and it would be nice to have a reason why I eat but frankly it just boils down to the fact that the taste of food is a good thing. Thats it.

[LeeAnn]

Oh, Mel. We are so much alike. Yes, I am a perfectionist. I will admit that right now! About everything!!!
I am so made at how I have eaten the past two days, and I am on a plan this week. I will be 162 by Friday. I will be exercising three times a day, eating less, and focusing on the awful feeling of tight pants!!!!!
Mel, you will be fine. Perfectionism is not necessarily a bad thing. Atleast, I don't think so. You can gained some back, but you will be fine. Just remember how much you have lost and other things you have gained through your journey.
Love the posts. Thank you for being so honest!!!!

[Lynne]

You've hit the nail on the head. Life is not black and white - there is no perfection. SO if you are constantly striving for what doesn't exist, than you are setting yourself up for failure... I think you need to make peace with yourself and strike a balance. Being "on program" 80% of the time will get you where you want to go.. maybe a little slower than you want, but better to get there, right?

[AnnieD]

If we weren't friends before, we'd be friends now. Love you.

[jane]

I just love your blog. It inspires me. I don't have the perfectionist streak, I am an anxiety eater. We all have our battles, and thank you to everyone who shares them with all of us. I try to discipline myself to recognize the anxiety and handle it without food, but it's work.

Some food ideas. Steam a bag of Steamfresh green beans, heap half the beans on a plate, dump on a package of tuna (albacore, you know, the ones that come in a foil envelope), sprinkle on some olives, and add a teaspoon of dressing. Voila! salad nicoise! and no tearing lettuce!

Plain yogurt with decaf instant coffee and splenda mixed in. As good as coffee yogurt, and fewer calories.

[MamaBearJune]

Sending you hugs. Our self image seems to rule our lives, determines our level of happiness and contentment. I think being content with being a child of God is very important. Part of that is being a good steward of the vessel he gave us. But he didn't stamp a number on our butt on our ideal weight. ;-)

I've revised my goals and they no longer include a number on the scale. The main goal is HEALTH and I've developed a lot of healthy habits in the past couple years. The secondary goal is a size of clothing I'd like to fit into. I've never lifted weights and done cardio as faithfully as I have lately, so I know my shape and my weight will be different than the low I had reached in 1996.

Plus I'm 12 years older and there are definitely body changes as we age. Keeping healthy should always be our first and most important goal. I know you are a lot healthier than when you started. You should be telling yourself that every day!

[MamaBearJune]

Sending you hugs. Our self image seems to rule our lives, determines our level of happiness and contentment. I think being content with being a child of God is very important. Part of that is being a good steward of the vessel he gave us. But he didn't stamp a number on our butt on our ideal weight. ;-)

I've revised my goals and they no longer include a number on the scale. The main goal is HEALTH and I've developed a lot of healthy habits in the past couple years. The secondary goal is a size of clothing I'd like to fit into. I've never lifted weights and done cardio as faithfully as I have lately, so I know my shape and my weight will be different than the low I had reached in 1996.

Plus I'm 12 years older and there are definitely body changes as we age. Keeping healthy should always be our first and most important goal. I know you are a lot healthier than when you started. You should be telling yourself that every day!

[breckgirl]

Miss Mel - You are too kind to that inner perfectionist - I think she is a total BITCH. Mine is, anyway. I am a total black and white thinker - and you know, I think I've gained a few myself this past few days.

Lately, I just feel pissed off. Everything in my life is changing - my job, my house (have to buy a new one) - we are also trying to get pregnant. So I eat crap to make myself feel better and then I hate myself for doing it. Whatever - it's all craziness and you certainly know what I'm talking about, girl. I need to get my head out of my ass, STAT. Time to "get it together"
for this chick, too.

And at the risk of being skewered by other commenters - I really don't think we are being too hard on ourselves. We are disappointed that we've become derailed and are trying to figure out what the hell is going on so that we can get back to a healthier way of living. I think it is perfectly okay to take a hard look at what I've been doing and deciding to make some changes. Now, berating and belittling myself is not healthy and I think you know that is not what I mean. But if we don't put some pressure on ourselves and get to that point of unhappiness that pushes us over the edge into action, we will just stay still, deflated and unmotivated. So cliche but - if we do what we've always done, we'll get what we've always gotten.

So, at least for me, self-acceptance and self-love do not mean that I just have to "accept" my body as it is and that putting pressure on myself to get healthy is "being hard" on myself. It just means that I accept where I am in my journey to better health but at the same time, keep moving forward and make healthy choices.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across bitchy. I don't think YOU would think I was being bitchy, but you never know how other folks might interpret what you type. I think I will do an entry on my own blog addressing this issue - create some drama over there. Stay tuned. Hang in, Mel.

[Roxie]

Wonderful, beautiful post. We are all much more than just a number on a scale. Everything about our lives does not need to be shaded by whether we are being "good" or "bad". This is one of the reasons that I gave up the scale and just try to concentrate on eating healthfully and doing something good for my body by getting some exercise. I'm trying to shift the focus from what I weigh to who I really am. Again, wonderful, insightful post and I hope you gain some peace from it.

[SaraB]

I think this is a thought provoking post, and true in so many ways. I hate labeling certain foods as good or bad, which in turn labels my behaviors as good or bad. It doesn't help to beat ourselves up - I try to remind myself that. I hope you find the gray. I know you will.

In a completely weird note - when I eat strawberries, I think of you, since they are on your low GI menu. Are you creeped out? I'm not a stalker, I just ate strawberries today. :)

[Paula]

Terrific post. Hit a common nail on the head. Maybe the definition of finally growing up is finally growing out of this.
(150, identical issues. Always a better number out there reflecting a "better" person.)

[Claire in CA, USA]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It is UNCANNY how similar we are. I stepped on the scale this morning as well...and it read 185, too. :-(

I am VERY hard on myself, and I do think that has something to do with our problem. Black or white is all I see. I'm either losing weight, which makes me worthwhile, or not, which makes me a total loser, but not in the right sense of the word. :-)

So, what to do, what to do? I think declaring that we will wake up tomorrow, diary our food and get some exercise, and then following through, will do it. One day at a time...