Howdy!

Hey, so, I didn't weigh in yesterday, but I weighed in today and it was not good news.  The scale said 189 and I said to myself, "SELF, STOP IT!"

I also thought, hey, what would happen if I stopped allowing those little extras this week?  what would happen if I truly ate a low-glycemic index diet, no excuses?   I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I LISTENED TO MYSELF NEXT THURSDAY!

If I was flexible enough, I'd kick myself in the butt.

Hey, but there is this.  Since I declared June "Let's Exercise Month" I have kept that commitment to myself.  I have exercise every day since June 1 and intend to make it through the end of the month.  For sure.  Because . . . why not?  Why not, indeed.

I've started to think of myself as a fat person again.  Like, I want to hide my body and I want to stay in more than I want to go out. I don't regard myself in the mirror and think, "I'm kind of cute today."  Here's the part that some of you might not understand:  my excess weight has gathered in my bosom, the least helpful place for it to gather.  I am already buxom enough and having my cups overflow is not exactly what I need. 

Oh, and, of course, the remaining pounds have clustered in a jolly party around my middle. 

You know, you never really hear anyone talking about gaining weight back and how that feels.  (Awful.  Embarrassing.  Ridiculous.)  People retreat into silence and anonymity and try not to be noticed if and when they are getting chubby again.  I've seen it happen, noticed that people go missing, both in real life and on the computer.

I am not going missing.  I will not disappear.  I promise. 

I hope to be one of those who documents reality, but at the same time, manages to buck the trend, to defy the odds, to become a success story, even though I seem to be taking a long, circuitous route to the Promised Land of skim-milk and no honey.

So, let's keep exercising while I get myself together.

Comments

[becca]

I stepped on my scale today, and found that it was broken!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!!
Now, if only I would follow through with my dreams of running!!

5'4" at 220....

[Sandy McCann]

You will get there...remember you are not doing this on your timetable. There is a purpose and a message in your walk. Let Him teach you what he intends...don't those times of deepest struggle often yield the biggest "gains?" It's easy for me to say...but why don't you go with the flow?

Speaking of "the flow," I still bet you are in a process of body changes starting to happen, perhaps accentuated/accelerated by the changes in your sleep schedule and stress levels. I also personally will go up about 5 pounds when I start exercising after a period of skipping it...don't forget that!

I am doing OK on my process at this point. Today I hit a new low by 1/2 pound...169.2. I have not been totally sticking to the SB phase 1, actually something kind of between phase 1 and phase 2...but have been trying to get back to the protein snacks and increased my attention to portion size. I had some "hunger" the first week...but now that is more managable.

[Karen]

Thank you for your honesty. I now know I am not the only person to go through this process. Over and over. Up and down and struggling to regain control. It's so very hard and hardly anyone ever acknowledges that fact, the media, or the medical community.

[Cindy Swanson]

I love your transparency, and I think it's healthy that you're staying accountable. You WILL start losing weight again, I have no doubt of it! The danger comes in quitting, and you are NOT quitting!

[Missie]

After months of deluding myself and thinking that I wasn't really gaining all that much weight back, I realized about two weeks ago that I have gained all back but about five pounds. GACK!

So on Tuesday, I started WW again myself, writing everything down and not cheating. Today is Saturday and I have lost 2.7 lbs. Amazing how when we return to what we know works...how it works!

You are an inspiration! Thanks for keeping it real while trying to keep it off...Go Mel.

[Jenna]

I think that acknowledging the struggle is a real good thing. You're setting a great example, you know. I had, at one time, lost 50 lbs. and was looking great. However, when I started to struggle, I just stopped wanting to know how bad it was, like I could hide from it or something. All that did was win me back all of those lost pounds. It doesn't feel all that great to have to start over from scratch, but it is better than feeling bad because I know that I'm not being good to me. I don't know how you feel, but if I'm at least trying, I feel better no matter what the scale says. :)

[Lynne]

You ARE a success story. You are a real person with a real life, trying to find a way to take care of herself and everyone else. I find strength in your story. You are honest. It's refreshing and motivating -- like not everyone with blog history has lost it all and become a supermodel, famous author, astronaut... Life happens... continually.

Keep hanging in there. You've given me a much needed kick in the butt more than once!

[Karen]

I am back down to 154. No matter what, I intend to keep trying to get to my goal, and then maintain it.

[MB]

Hang in there. Concentrate on getting your workouts in and keep making steps in the right direction. Don't let a slip up turn into a landslide. Just knowing you are not giving up is inspiring. You can do it!

[breckgirl]

Hi Mel - Yeah, well - I regained some, too. All we can do is keep going and making better choices for ourselves. I am planning to exercise tonight and when I start to feel tired and like I "don't wanna" I am going to remember you and your exercise streak and JUST DO IT. :-) I have a short term goal to reach 135 by July 12. Now, I know that realistically I probably won't reach that but I am going to get as close as I can. So - must keep up the streak. And stop cheating my ass off on the weekends. :-) Go Mel!

[LeeAnn]

I am exercising. I am back to doing pilates atleast 5 times a week and the treadmill 5 times a week. I am feeling the same way. Altough, I am weighing in around 165, I still feel heavy and like I want to stay home. UGH! I hate that feeling. I am so glad that you are still checking in. Please, keep doing so. By the way, you will get there! Soon!

[b]

I can no longer join your streak. I thought I could, maybe by counting the number of times I went up and down the steps retrieving kids, toys, clean underpants, sippy cups and on and on. The truth is, I'm a purist. Either I work out or I don't. Right now, if I do, I have no energy to take my kids to the pool, park or even turn on a sprinkler. I barely feed them on the days I exercise. Night time is my worst time, so don't even go there.

So, I'm making the choice to do my best. I mean REALLY do my BEST. Part of that is not allowing unrealistic goals to saddle me with guilt. I rather be a less-crabby mommy/wife than fulfill our streak.

Who knows, maybe this fourth baby is contributing some wisdom to the body it is depleting of energy....

[Melissa]

Hey, you're right - you never hear about the process of gaining weight, but then again, most folks aren't paying that much attention. You know it's creeping up on you, because you're weighing on a regular basis, but most of us don't even bother until our clothes get too tight - and even then, it's usually denial, as in "Darn dryer shrank my favorite pants!"

Hang in there, Mel - I'm streaking right along with you this month!

[Susan]

Here's to facing the impending weight creep and dealing with it head on. That takes courage! Most people just pretend it's not happening until it's gone waaay too far. Been there, done that. Dare to be different and keep fighting!

[cindi Mansell]

That hit home. I have disappeared from the computer. When I was losing weight I checked in everyday on fitday and your blog. I stopped religiously watching what I was eating, thinking I knew what I was doing. I have ballooned up to 200 pounds again. I am just so tired of watching and planning what I eat. I want to be one of those people that only eats because they are hungry and is content with an apple instead of a whoopie pie. Argh. I just don't know what to do. I am tired of it. Sorry to go off on this but the 200 mark hit hard.

[Moon]

Thank you so much for this post. I lost about 120 lbs since January 2007, but in the past two months have gained back about 10-15 lbs. And it makes me feel miserable. I feel like a failure, and a cow, unattractive. Wanting to hide, like you described. But most people don't talk about that, so it makes me feel like even more of an abnormality.

But I'm glad I'm not alone. And I'm glad to read that it's, you know...it doesn't have to be permanent. You can get back from the relapse.