Thoughts very late at night

My husband decided he needed to lose a few pounds.  He saw a commercial on television and ordered Nutrisystem.  That was in January.

No fuss, no muss, no emotional wrangling.  He just ate what they gave him and once in awhile ate what he wanted.  He lost fifteen or twenty pounds, who really knows since he didn't weigh himself before he started because it didn't matter that much. 

He reached an acceptable weight, saw a bunch of his college buddies at a reunion. 

And then the Nutrisystem meals ran out, he did not reorder and he's back to eating his normal hodge-podge diet without guilt.

I realized yesterday that a ten pound weight gain to him would just be a ten pound weight gain.  To me, a ten pound weight gain is a verdict about my character, a statement about my worth as a human being, a blemish upon my personality.  Losing weight is not a matter of eating less and moving more but an emotional journey replete with anxiety and self-recriminations and agony.

I guess I am not convinced yet that I am more than my body.  The way I see myself is seriously messed up because ten (fifteen?) pounds turned my self-perception from "hey, cute!" to "kill me now, I'm revolting."  And I'm still wearing the same pants, though they are admittedly tighter.  Sometimes I don't think I'd be able to pick myself out of a police line-up.  What do I look like?  Who am I?

My husband thinks I'm perfect the way I am and I do believe he's telling me the (his?)  truth.  I don't think anyone really cares how much I weigh.  Other than me, of course.  I care.  But I'm not sure why I care so much.  The numbers on the scale have too much weight, too much power over me.

* * *

I missed a day of exercise last Friday.  As I brushed my teeth at 11:35 that night, I realized that in the craziness of helping my boys with high school finals and worked nine hours (noon until 9 p.m. with a one-hour break) I had totally forgotten.  However, the next day, I was back on track.  Exercise is good, very very good.

Comments

[Sandy McCann]

Well, it's a fine line is it not between being appropriately self aware and over-indulging in negative thinking (at least that is what I see for me.)

Honestly, your husband's approach is not likely the right way anymore than over focusing on weight might be. Not to sound critical of him, but with the latest international discussion about how to make broadly sweeping observations about fitness in a large population (such as the current dictate in Japan) there is a move toward sensible self-awareness that includes SOME form of measurement. Again, not to pick on your hubby, but since you used him as a example in your message...Does you husband know his waist to hip measurement, his neck measurement...and how those numbers can help him know what numbers he might be looking for on the scale? Is his hodge podge regular eating seriously a healthy style eating pattern? (maybe, maybe not) Does he get regular strength and cardio workouts?

Men do generally have that ability to shed pounds easily, but they also are more under the gun than pre-menopausal women to be at a healthy body weight. God seems to have balanced those positives (like being able to be more easily lean) with a stronger potential fallout if they do not keep their bodies in the way they were designed to be kept.

In some ways I wish I had your situation where you (if I understand correctly) are steps ahead of him in seriously developing a healthy life long living style. That might actually motivate me more if I had someone else to draw into the process with me. (in my case I struggle to weigh less than my 6'2" hubby who eats on the South Beach diet with me, walks regularly, does free weights 4-6x a week, and hangs at about the 13% body fat level....so the competition and ease of discourgement is pretty high.)

OK, wrote too much today, LOL...hope you can find something in it that helps!

[mrs darling]

Hmmm I disagree with sandys comment, respectfully of course. Lol
I dont think its necessary that people know their neck measurements and such. If you're not obese, if you can live life in an unhampered way as in running and jumping and stooping and bending why must one know their neck measurments. My MIl doesntand she is now a 84 years old. My fatherinlaw didnt when he died at ninety. Both are about 20 pounds overweight. But then why would anyone want to live longer then 90? He died in his sleep. Wasnt even sick. Just old age.

My husbandis40 pounds overweight but stronger than an ox. He walks an average of 15 miles a day and he has no body awareness nor does he know his neck measurements. He hoists heavy pipe into place all day, lifts heavy steel, and on and on. He doesnt have the time to sit around measuring his neck or looking for numbers on a scale.

By the way looking for numbers on a scale is not an enlightened approach. Its very quaint and not at all how health is measured.

Nope I have to disagree on this one, but then we all have our opinions. Thats what makes the world go round.:)

[Jenna]

Hi. *waves*
Have you thought about possibly just maintaining at this weight for a while? I know it isn't where you most want to be, but it might give you some time to fly a white flag and call a truce with yourself. Taking some time to study your emotions and motivations might make it easier to move your weight downward, once you are comfortable with yourself and not waging war on YOU. :)

Whatever you decide to do about your situation, you know that you won't be alone in it. *hugs*

[Artemis]

Hey Mel - once again, you've summed up my experiences! I recall about a year ago Husband requested new jeans in a size larger than he typically wore. Then a short month later he commented about the need for new jeans. When I reminded him about the (larger size) jeans I had purchased for him, he off-handedly remarked that he had been feeling heavy and therefore dropped 10 pounds - so he needed new jeans in his old size. His comment? "I didn't make a big deal about it because I know it's harder for you." uurgh....

But - like your hubby, Husband is wonderfully supportive despite MY negative attitude, which goes a long way in helping me realize (at least once in a while) that I am not just the number my scale reports. Hang in there!

A

[breckgirl]

Miss Mel - I hear ya on the whole self-worth thing. I'm glad to hear you are exercising, though - that is a positive step, even if you are not in "loss" mode right now.

At least for me, stopping and trying to figure out the 'why' of my all and sundry issues can be a roadblock to progress - no offense to those who want to analyze and consider all of the possible reasons for weight and body image problems, but to be very blunt, who cares WHY? Is discovering why you feel like shit going to suddenly kick your butt into gear? Not necessarily, and you might just spend enough time ruminating about it to gain another ten pounds. I'm just SAYIN' - at least for me, I need to stop the thinking and start the Turbo Jam DVD, if you know what I mean. There is a lot to be said about "analysis paralysis." I say stop pondering and start kicking some ass.

Whew - what a bitch - maybe I am just tired of eating these stupid snap peas and WW frozen meals. But hey - I am back down to 148 and only 13 from goal. I'm going to look hot in a bathing suit by October - that's my latest goal. We are going to the British Virgin Isles and there is NO WAY that I am spending that much cash to sit huddled up in a towel while the skinny bitches have fun. Forget it. I am DOING this.

Love you, Mel - you're doing great. And oh well on the husband - Aren't they just baffling? Mine is a little neurotic about the working out and eating sweets and pizza but all in all, he's a keeper - we need those unconditional lovers around when we aren't being loving to ourselves!!

[Sara B]

I feel the same - that a gain is a judgement on my character. I have put the scale away - I've gone 3 weeks without doing a weigh-in. Because I should be eating well and exercising, even if the end result is only better health and not smaller scale numbers.(what a concept to remember the health aspect, yes? I got the idea from your interview with Jeannette) My self-esteem was getting too wrapped up in that number. So, I have put the scale up on a shelf, and maybe in a few weeks I'll get back on it. It is hard to not weigh! It's also a great way to get myself to stay true to my healthful lifestyle, and learning to resist the temptation to eat my way back up to 290, knowing that I don't have to weigh myself.

Great job on your exercise! I'm still on my 5 day a week plan and it works well for me. Good luck!

[Chief Family Officer]

Aw, Melodee, as usual, you are very brave and saying what's on everyone else's mind (or mine, at least). I've gotten better about not feeling like my worth is dependent on my weight, but my repeated failure to eat right and lose weight is soul-sucking.

[Sandy McCann]

Just as an aside...the opinion I expressed is more my PhD hubby's perceptions than mine since he is more into the studies and research that supports such ideas I can not thouroughly explain it though I think that Japan mave have something going that we should watch. Though I personally abhor the idea of forcing a whole population to submit to government intervention through being forced to have their waist size officially measured and recorded...I still applaud them for making it a public issue to remind the citizens of their country that being overweight and/or out of shape affects more than just the individual person involved. Hopefully they will follow with opportunities for education and monetary help (if needed) so all the citizens can improve their health.

[Lynn]

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I too am beginning my journey. My blog is http://blubberyblogger.blogspot.com
I am trying to spread the word because I need all the help and support I can get!!! Please check it out. THANKS!!!

[Lynn Haraldson]

You absolutely expressed my feelings precisely: "To me, a ten pound weight gain is a verdict about my character, a statement about my worth as a human being, a blemish upon my personality." It takes a whole lotta reminding myself that I am more than the sum total of my body parts in pounds. Maybe some day it will come naturally? God I hope so.

I do know, though, that by incorporating the emotional contemplation into weight loss and maintenance, I at least uncover the crap I've denied and hid from all these years.

I love your blog. Thanks for putting it out there.