I haven't done very well

This past week hasn't been very good in terms of the food I have put into my mouth.  Why?  I wish I knew exactly--but does it really matter?  What matters is not how I feel about things, but what I do.  Actions speak louder than words.  Actions matter more than feelings.

(Do they?  Huh.  I need to think about that for a bit.)

Anyway, I suspect that my lack of exercise has left me a bit depressed and as the weather turns cloudy and rainy, my mood turns gray as well.  My family has been exceptionally busy the past few weeks and on weekends, when I depend on a few hours away to regroup and saturate myself in solitude, I've been unable to meet those essential needs.  I am peopled-out.  (Do you know what I mean?  You introverts might.)

It's no one's fault, just the way life is right now. 

Sometimes I long for a selfish life, a life in which my need to exercise, my desire to eat whole foods and sleep a solid eight hours a night were all that mattered.  But I have chosen a different life and I have to figure out a way to find balance.

Seriously, how long will it take me to regain my equilibrium, to find my way out of this tangled forest and back on the path I followed so easily before?  Now, every time I think I'm heading in the right direction, I encounter a huge obstacle or a switchback--no more level, gravel paths to easy weight loss.  (I am kind of mad about that, too.)

So, life is a journey.  I'm wandering in the wilderness right now.  I find the path for a minute, then immediately lose my way again.  It's depressing.  But I'm starting fresh tomorrow, after what will surely be a disappointing, but expected weight gain. 

Sigh.

Comments

[MissKris]

Oh, Mel. My heart just aches for you. I have been in the same spot you are many times and it's such a...lonely...place. Frustrating. Infuriating. I have spent so much time in my life at self-flagellation. I have one of those husbands who, when he gains a pound or two, disciplines himself to lose it RIGHT NOW. He can't begin to understand how MENTAL weight loss is. Our daughter is overweight and he gets so frustrated with her at times. I tell him the more he chastises her, the less good it does. She's finally hit a spot in life where she's seriously trying to lose her extra weight and is having success. I hesitate to even compliment her unless she asks if her weight loss is noticable...then I praise her to the skies. What is it about us women where a compliment can send us on a binge unless it's a compliment we fish for? My weight struggles have been such a personal journey for me it's like I WANT to be told I look nicer and yet I freak if people notice. Hiding behind our fat is a very cozy, comfortable place. A safe haven. I dunno why. I come by here and check each week because I care how you're doing. You're in my prayers.

[Mary with the un-updated blog]

I too am an introvert. I feel as if I never have any time alone, and I only have one (homeschooled) child left at home, so it's just me, my husband and our 13 yr. old daughter. Sometimes I just want to kick both of them out of the house for a while and lock the door. Just for a while. I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I have is sympathy and understanding.

As for diet, I'm not even gonna go there till the first of the year.

[LeeAnn]

Mel! I have been following you for so long now and I just hate reading this blog entry. I wish I could go there and give you a hug. I have really learned a lot the last few months about my body and weight. Now that I am only a few pounds away from goal, I have realized I made a lifestyle change. I eat healthy meals. I eat healthy cereal. I actually ate yogurt yesterday ( I hate yogurt!). I have realized that eating is for nutritional purposes. Every once in awhile I give in though. Who doesn't?
I just wish you could come live with me for awhile and get yourself back on track. But, I know that isn't going to happen! The only advice I have is to write down everything you eat!!!! It helps! Especially if other people are looking at it. How about me? LOL
You can email me what you eat and then you will feel held accountable. Maybe a weird idea. I just feel like I need to try to help. Okay, this was long. Sorry for the rant!
Big hugs!

[jan]

Oh, me too. I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I am undone.

[Sandy McCann]

I too am on and off the path....and it is hard not to get mad at myself....especially when I have to face my 6'2" hubby who will say "I feel fat" after he eats something unhealthy, yet he right now weighs 2 pounds less than me! I will say he is encouraging to me though as he recognizes how a woman's body is meant to be more "squishy" and has never given me trouble about my weight.

Ugh...too much eating out lately...is there anyone out there who can not indulge in that warm basket of chips they put on the table at the mexican places? That is why I NEVER even went there back when I was in my initial dedicated phase...

[Sara B]

Oh my friend, I hear you! The analogy about being on the path and in the wilderness is perfect. That's how I feel 50% of the time. When life gets nutty, why is my health the first thing to suffer? And it feels like I'll never get straight again, and that there isn't a point to even trying. It is frustrating, but all that works for me is picking myself up, shaking away the cobwebs and re-invigorating myself. I've seen your past success, and admire you for staying here and sticking it out through the hard times too. I know you'll get where you want to be again. I know, know, khow it. We're all rooting for you.

[Barbara]

Would an exercise buddy help? I know you are peopled out, but it seemed to help last time.

I hear you too. We are preparing for #4, and my currant 3 are just all around me all the time making demands causing me to question if I can really handle another.

The logical thing is to sooth with food, right? A whole lot that's getting me without the maternity exercise I so long for, but have been forbidden from. Let's all have a primal scream together.

[Melissa]

Mel, you're going to make me cry! I think you're much too hard on yourself!

(On the other hand, I might not be hard enough on myself.)

I too crave solitude, and rely on it to "recharge" me. Unfortunately, I don't get it nearly enough. I delude myself into thinking that if I were a SAHM, I could get so much more done during the school day, with no one to bother me.

But like I said, I get delusional sometimes!

[Mickie]

After following your blog entries over the last few months, I feel we could be one and the same person. Your current struggles are my current struggles. That you describe your current predicament as "lonely" was enlighting for sure. That is EXACTLY how I feel - just haven't been able to articulate it until today. You and I - we will figure this out. In that, I have no doubt. Keep on keeping on Mel - you (WE!) can do this. Thanks for sharing.

[Stephanie]

Your schedule is certainly jam packed! I'm sure it will take time, but you will get there. Just being accountable for choices, even if they're not good, is more than almost anyone does. You're still around, and you're still an encouragement!

[Claire in CA, USA]

Hugging you from afar. And, I can relate.

[Natalia Burleson]

Hi Mel,
I can relate to the hard time with food AND the missed solitude! I HAVE to have some down time everyday!

Take care!!! and hang in there!!! :)

[kate]

Hi Mel :) i've just come across your blog, have read a few of your posts and think it's great. You're a very courageous woman! I'm on a long term weight loss journey too, in about 2 yrs i've lost 11.6 kilos = 25 pounds, i've gone from 204 pounds to 179. I've tried lots of different things and they all kind of work, but the only thing that really works is never ever giving up. I don't say this in an Oprah kind of way but in a very serious way, learnt through 2 yrs of experience!! so don't give up, you're doing well to have lost what you have and very importantly to have kept it off! i have very off days too, i ride them as best i can, and enjoy the motivation when it comes back. It will come back! Take care and do what you can :)

[kate]

ps, i totally understand about being peopled out, balance is my buzz word at the moment, it sounds like you need to do something nice for yourself :)