Wonky Self-Perception

Why is it that I never seem to know how I look?  When I was 13 and weighed 123 (after going on my first diet and losing 13 pounds), I thought I was fat.  On my wedding day, weighing 143 pounds, my hand fluttered to my stomach time after time.  You can see it in the video.  I kept smoothing my gown over my "fat" stomach, though anyone with eyes can see that my stomach is not fat.  I'm all collarbones and boobs on my wedding day.

Last year, when I was still 170 pounds and holding for a whole year, all I could see was the pudgy fat at my sides.  I obsessed over my post-pregnancy squishy mid-section, even though I looked completely normal (while wearing clothes, ha).  I can see now in photographs that I was fine.  I was not bone-thin, but I was not fat.  I only thought I was still fat. 

And now I am thirty pounds heavier and I'm not sure how I look.  I tell myself that I'm fat (I am so mean to myself) and remind myself not to get too cocky because my face is fuller than last year and I don't look as cute.  When I see photos from last year, I can see, looking back, that I was all right. 

Someone tried to tell me that maybe my body liked being at 170 and that striving to reach 150 pounds might be unrealistic, but I did not listen.  I did not listen because I knew what they did not seem to understand--that I was fat.  Fat at 170 pounds, fat wearing size 12 jeans, fat, fat, fat. 

Honestly?  Who even cares?  I am pretty sure that I am the only one who cares deeply about the size of my pants and about my chubby face.  If the world is a parade, marching by, I am standing with my back to the spectacle, worrying about a crack in the sidewalk.  Enough!  Join in the parade, embrace the music, and celebrate!  I am such a party-pooper.

Meanwhile, while I am shuffling these thoughts around in my head, I am also trying to eat sensibly and exercise.  This morning found me on the difficult walking trail, though it was the very last thing I wanted to do when I woke up after seven hours of sleep.  And . . . I am coming to realize that perhaps I need to . . . journal my food and/or count calories.  I am stalled and I need a jump-start. 

* * *
 This will appear first thing on Tuesday morning, Official Weigh-In day, but I am writing it at 1 a.m. on Tuesday . . . so look for a weigh-in post later on.  I'm going to sleep first!

Comments

[Sabs]

I used to obsess about my weight and it felt like everything was always thinking about how fat I am. Somewhere along the way I realised how I look and what my weight is is important to me only. Weightloss is a very personal journey and no two people's will be alike. A mistake we all make is to always compare ourselves with other people.

[Mrs. Damian (Ouida) Garcia]

Mel,

I completely understand where you are coming from. When I married my husband I was 148 pounds. Keep in mind that I am 5'7 1/2 tall. I thought I was fat and needed to lose weight. I begged my husband to let me walk at the park at night when he was begging me to cuddle with him. He would say "but your not fat!!" and I would say "yes I am, see my stomach pooch? See my thighs? My butt?" and he would always reply "yes, but I like it that way". I was so messed up in my view of my body that I couldn't hear him telling me I was beautiful the way I looked. It really is very sad isn't it? What happened in our heads that we thought we were fat when we actually were quite healthy for our height?

My goal is to get back to my size 10/12. That was what I was when I married. I already was very womanly shaped (like Jen Lopez) and I already had a child. It is reasonable for me I think. As I have said 170, I will be satisfied, 160 I will be happy, 150 I will be thrilled!

I have lost a little weight but don't bother to post because I know it is going to come back on with the holidays. We bake all the time from Nov - Dec and last year I gained several pounds just during the holidays. We will see what the next year holds for me.

and thanks for sharing your struggle. I told my husband that I love coming to visit you because you stay real. There are people that I have thought have lied about how much weight they lost, where they started at, how they are doing now but you have remained the one constant that I come to for truth in the weight loss world. I love that you are real and I need that in this crazy world. I'm telling you, we could be great neighbors...

[Sarah]

I’m sure you’ve struck a cord with everyone here. I’m exactly in your boat, I think. 20 pounds away from my perceived final goal of 115 (and a little voice in the back of my head would rather the number be closer to 110). I have been yo-yo-ing around 135 since April. I was closing in on 200 pounds when I started. At any other time in my life I would’ve been thrilled to be this weight. I am wearing a size 4. I am working out faithfully nearly every single day, at an average of 45 minutes a day for the past 18 months—and can feel the benefits in terms of my fitness. I have never, ever been an exerciser and now I can go for an entire 45 minutes with my elliptical on the highest setting. My jogging route is 6 miles. I regularly listen to nutrition and fitness podcasts put out by hospitals and the National Institute of Health.

My diet (and even better, my family’s diet) is light years healthier than probably most families, and way way way healthier than it has ever been yet we still splurge with enough frequency that the only time I feel deprived is when I pass a burrito joint. Most importantly, I feel 100% better mentally and emotionally than I ever have in my entire life, despite the fact that we’re going through one of the most stressful time of our life ever (a job loss in Detroit where there are no jobs to replace it with, an international move, an unsellable house and all that is entailed). In fact, I often question if I’m working out too much and that the well-being it brings to me is causing me to overly optimistic under the circumstances and affecting my ability to make more realistic decisions about our future. I am pretty sure that 135 is the weight I am supposed to be at. It would be unrealistic to work out more than I am, I can’t imagine cutting out a glass of wine or a piece of cheese or a serving of ice cream a few times a week is going to cause me to drop 20 pounds anytime in the next decade. I started my current job at this weight and no one here knew me any other way. My co-workers ask for my advice about diet and exercise, as though this is who I actually am (when in reality I feel like an addict who recently got out of rehab), and I do a double take before I realize they aren’t joking.

All that said, I feel fat. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person and sort of half heartedly wish I could get a tummy tuck to lose the lovely stomach pouch I got from pregnancy. I still wear this horribly uncomfortable stomach-sucking in device every day that I wore when my entire wardrobe came from Lane Bryant. We are moving to Europe soon and I’ll be working in a country where women are rail thin and chic and wear six inch heels and chain smoke and I fear I’m going to be the frumpy American…the Ugly Betty of the office. It’s so ridiculous, yet I know how easy it has always been for me to fall off the wagon and how frighteningly quickly I gain weight when I do (I recently missed seven days of exercise and was up TEN pounds), so I guess I’m kind of grateful for the fact that enough is never really enough. But I really hope my daughter finds better use for all the mental and emotional energy I feel like I waste thinking about this.

[jan]

Absolutely. I agree 100% and have done the same thing. I remember being 99 pounds at age 11 and feeling so fat. I was 5'11"!!

I don't think that even at 100 pounds I would like my body. I think that I should love my body because it walks, it talks, it thinks and it loves. What I have is an horrible case of ocbsd.

Obsessive Compulsive Body Shape Disorder.

I do believe that this should be classified as a mental disorder. It certainly screws me up.

[LeeAnn]

I know, we are own worst enemy!
Don't listen to that voice! You are right. No one else is worried about the size of your pants. But, they may be worried about your health. As long as you eat healthy and strive to be healthy, don't worry about the size!!!!!!!! I, too, worry about size too much. (I was thrilled to fit into size 10 Gap Long and Lean jeans today!) But, who really cares about the size, no one! I need to be healthy for my kids and children. Focus on that!

[Mrs darling]

When I began my weight loss journey my goal was to just pass on the street with everyone else. If no body ever pointed me out as the fat lady then I would be happy forever. I dont know if anyone did point me out that way but I felt they were. I just wanted to be normal sized which to me meant anywhere from a 16 on down. Of course now that Im losing I want to be actually sorta thin! LOL But when I think back to my desire to just pass as normal I realize I can now do that and if I dont lose anymore weight I really will be happy with it. I am in a weight loss mode though right now so I do expect to continue losing but where Im at right now isnt so terrible bad to me.

[carrien (she laughs at the days)]

Have you ever done, or considered doing a colon cleanse?

My husband did one, and he was about average weight for his height, but he lost about 20 pounds of intestinal plague in about 4 weeks, the bit of a gut he had, and he just felt better after.

Anyway, especially since you admit to eating horribly for so many years before you started on this journey, perhaps your colon is weighing you down health wise, and weight wise. Just a thought.

here's a link to check out.

[Steph.]

Sometimes I think we were separated at birth or something. Or, maybe those inner voices were at the very least! I am in the exact same place as you--I lost a bunch a few years back and kept it off awhile, then it slowly crept back on. Then, not long ago I started to turn it around and fell off track somehow. Now the negative talk has returned and I'm trying to push it aside and focus. It's so very hard. Hearing you put it into words really gives me comfort, but also strength to keep trying. Thanks!

[MissKris]

Have you ever watched "You Are What You Eat" on BBC America? That is such a thought-provoking program. And when the eaters are presented with a table full of what they've actually eaten in a week, they're horrified into reality. I saw one episode where it took almost a banquet-sized table to hold all the food a man had eaten. I've learned a lot about nutrition and what overeating does to our internal organs. This all takes place over in the UK. Once upon a time, before American fast food reached the other side of "the Pond", Europeans kept in pretty good shape. Not any more, sadly, thanks to us and our corporate greed for a bigger eating audience and money, money, money.