My Diet Self versus My Main Self

Last week, on my other blog, I answered someone who suggested that maybe I should consider combining my two blogs.  I said, "I kind of like keeping my diet self separate from my main self."  Since then, I've been thinking that maybe that's a problem.  Not the idea of writing two separate blogs, but the idea that my Diet Self is compartmentalized from my Main Self.

It's as if my Diet Self is the ugly stepchild I don't want to introduce to anyone.  Back when I was thirty pounds (!) lighter, people would ask me my "secret" as if I could dispense magical favors.  I was never totally comfortable posing as a real life diet Success Story.  Especially when the focus was on my body and how "skinny" I was.

That attention bothered me for several reasons.  First of all, I was raised to be excessively modest.  (No two-piece bathing suits for me as a child!)  That philosophy was reinforced by the unwanted attention I received as a pre-teen girl after my body developed early.  Suddenly, I had a figure (in fourth grade) and no one else did.  I wore my winter coat all during school in seventh grade to deflect attention.  What is the opposite of "flaunt"?  Me, in middle school.  And junior high and high school.

Second, more recently I was uncomfortable with attention to my "skinny" body because it seemed like the compliments were weighted on the other end with unspoken observations:  Wow, you were sure fat before!  I am a half-glass empty kind of girl.  For every exclamation about my weight loss, I figured it was shadowed by silent judgments about my body before my weight loss.  How embarrassing.

Anyway, I started this blog as a separate endeavor because I was hired to blog on a particular topic.  I liked having my Diet Self parked in its very own blog, separate from my Main Self.

But now that I've recognized that Diet Self and Main Self are not holding hands and skipping off into the sunset, it's time to acknowledge that I am just one woman, one woman who gains and loses weight sometimes.  Also?  No one cares about my body as much as I do.  People might notice it, but they don't just see Diet Me, I hope.  I think they see Melodee first and my body second. 

I know that's how I see my friends.  As people, just people.  I don't whip out a tape measure to check whether their waistlines are expanding.  Friends are simply friends. 

So am I.  One self, one body, one soul.  One friend.

One me, not two.  Diet Self, meet Main Self.  Welcome to the body.

Comments

[roxie]

Very interesting post. I certainly agree with other people not being particularly interested in what my weight is doing on that particular day/month/year. I need to remember that, as in the past, I've stayed away from things because I was "too fat".

Ten pounds by New Year's!

[Lynn Haraldson]

Great post. I'm trying to implement parts of ZenBagLady (which I don't write on anymore) into my other blog on weight because, as you said, being I am one woman, not two, I can't separate myself anymore.

I love what you said about how no one cares about your body as much as you. I fall prey to that thinking way too much. I've essentially lived my life wondering if I measure up to other people's expectations. I'm mostly "cured" of that, but there are times, man, when it creeps back in my head...

[Sandy McCann]

Well said my friend. I have always seen the heart and soul in your posts on here. I have visited your family oriented blog a couple times but in my case that blog sets off thinking that is discouraging....

I hope you decide to continue to be one person in two blogs...open and honest in both.

...interesting about your perception of the unspoken comments...I am a half-full person so even though I see the truth in that thought process, I never have thought it myself (or not consiously in a way that messed with me.)

Have not had a successful eating week here and not sure how to get on the wagon with so much I have going on right now....still count me in for the march to the new year....

[Karen]

I'm a glass half-empy person, too. My plan is to quietly lose weight and don't make a big deal of it, so no one will notice how fat I was (am). I hope you keep two blogs. I don't like to discuss my weight/diets with just anyone and it feels much more private over here.

[Claire in CA, USA]

Half-empty here, too. Unfortunately, my weight has been the subject of much discussion in my family (where I am the only overweight one), so I constantly think about it when I am with them. I have skipped family reunions, and even my high school reunions because of this weight. Oh, for Pete's sake, when am I going to stop talking about it and really put my mind to it? It is a heart issue; I don't really want to deal with the fact that overeating is sin, but it is. One has to repent and change to be obedient. I can feel my focus changing here. Am I pleasing God with destroying my health? The answer is clear, isn't it?

Sorry, downer comment here. Half-empty much.

[Sabs]

I can identify with this. I do hope you will keep the two blogs separate though.

[jsprik]

this makes a lot of sense to me! i don't look at my friends or family like that either, but i know that some of them look at me like that, though :( some people are just that way, what are you gonna do?? and claire is so right about overeating being a sin, it absolutely is, but that isn't always the cause of being overweight. however, our bodies do not belong wholly to us, they are God's and we should take care of them!!

[amy]

I get this. One part of all the dieting advice I've never taken is to make sure everyone knows you're on a diet. I guess I felt like doing that would be like announcing to the world -- hey, I don't like myself the way I am. But, it would probably mean I was just telling people I want to lose weight, and if I think it means I don't like myself, then maybe that's the problem? Although, I have had friends who have announced, and I've watched as people ask them questions about points or food or what they are or aren't eating, and I've never wanted that much attention. . . .

[Barbara]

I feel just like you. Instead of "diet self" I have "pregnant self" and I put my main self on hold every time I am pregnant. No wonder I hate pregnancy so much. I feel like I'm just waiting to get back to normal. Thanks for making me realize this!

[Steph.]

I've joined a weight loss program through my doctor's office. Our second meeting we got homework--writing a letter to all our friends and family telling them what we are doing, why we need to change our lives, and telling them specific ways they can support us. I will be up late tonight struggling with this one--I, like you, have tried to keep my struggles private or confined to internet friends and not the ones who see me every day in real life. I joked that this program seems a lot like rehab, and I guess in a way it is! I hope becoming accountable face-to-face helps me. You never know, merging the blogs might help you as well.