On relapse

About six years ago, I went to Weight Watchers.  An older gentleman and his adult daughter attended the meetings and had achieved quite impressive success.  He'd lost about a hundred pounds and his daughter had lost a lot, too.  She did all the point-counting and cooking for him.  They'd already lost weight by the time I started attending.

I saw that man at the store last Friday.  He was heading for the free donuts that particular store offered (on Black Friday).  I couldn't help but notice that he'd gained quite a lot of weight, maybe all the weight he'd lost. 

I felt sorry for him, but probably I was really feeling sorry for myself since I've regained some of my weight, too.  I am constantly thinking about my weight.  It's like being haunted, really, by an unfriendly spirit.  I go through my life with this malevolent ghost lurking just over my shoulder, quick to remind me that my face is fuller and my collar-bones less visible.

The ironic thing is that I was so certain I would be exempt from the almost-inevitable relapse that dieters face.  I know the characteristics that successful weight-losers share in common:  daily breakfast and near daily vigorous exercise, for instance.  I was going to BE one of those success stories.

But despite my knowledge and determination, someone might see me in the grocery store and shake their head in pity:  "Oh, there's Melodee.  She looks like she's put on some weight again.  What a shame."

It's embarrassing to be a statistic.  On the other hand, did I lose weight originally to please acquaintances?  No, not at all.  I just wanted to be healthy, to look better, to feel better.  I can do that again.  I will do that again.

The only way to fail is to stop trying.

Comments

[Roxie]

As I struggle to maintain my hundred pound weight loss (a battle that I'm currently losing), I also struggle to find a way to shed that ghost that you speak of. I don't want every day of my life to be about the size of my butt. I find it hard to find that happy medium of staying healthy and fit while not constantly judging myself harshly over not maintaining that Utopian weight.

Ten pounds by New Year's!

[MB]

I feel so ashamed to have regained substantial amounts of weight time and time again. Every single time I lose I am so sure I will never be fat again but the switch gets flicked and I'm right back up the scale. I think that is why I haven't been successful losing this past year, I'm working on learning how to keep it off once I do. I don't have the heart to lose it all again only to regain. It is just too depressing.

Good luck on keeping what you've lost off and halting any pounds from creeping back. It is a battle but it is worth it.

[Michelle]

You know I've been up and down the scale a couple of times and as I approach 40 (I have 5 months and 20 odd days) I'd really like to get back to a healthy weight. I'm fighting so many demons: perfectionism, self loathing, you name it and I'm fighting with myself about it; that as I read your entries I realize I need to let go and let God, just get started already and see where the journey takes me. Worrying about the stops along the way only causes me to stress eat which certainly isn't helping. Thanks Mel, you're much cheaper than therapy. ;)

[PB]

Exactly! Never stop trying. Never get sidetracked. I know I do but I just refocus the next morning and try again. Do this every morning like a mantra so it becomes natural and routine. I may fail and I may not loose weight the day before but every morning I get up and tell myself to try and eat only good stuff. Lots of fruits and veggies with some low fat protein. Cut out the cheeses, nuts, breads, and cokes that are the bane of my existence. At least I don't have a problem with chips and sweets. Some people do and I feel for them. Those are just empty calories. However, French bread, cheddar cheese, almonds, and diet Dr. Pepper call my name. *sigh*

Chin up Melodee. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.

[Goslyn]

Ah Mel,

I'm sorry to hear that you regained some of your lost weight. But I totally understand. I am really, really struggling with my weight-loss goals right now.

Over the summer I lost it all, but with the cold weather, some of the weight has crept back on. I know that the sole reason for the regain is that I have reverted to my less-healthy eating habits, but I just can't stay away from the carbs!

Hang in there. We'll get back to our skinny selves. We will.

[Ceci]

Oh, I so know how you feel! Remember how excited I was 24 months ago to have reached my goal weight? I was so excited!

And now, with a new marriage, a much larger family, and a relatively "new" baby under my belt, I have put on every pound plus...GULP!...30?!? And I agree, I can't seem to get a single one to drop. And I am exhibiting all the pains of early arthritis in my back and hips...sigh.

We aren't failures. We were successful for as long as our "current" situations remained the same. Someone moved our cheese, and we just didn't follow them. That's all. Now we need to find it again.

(Oh, and I can't believe it but I even suggested I would have a lap-band if it meant I could undo the damage to my joints! DOUBLE GASP!)

[Tony P.]

Loved the post. I agree, everyone thinks they have a force field around them, until they are in the situation. I have lost 197 pounds this year on WW, and sometimes I feel like I will melt every day. It takes A LOT of work. I just hope I have the courage every day!

Great Blog!

[MissKris]

I remember the first time I joined WW around 1980 and the lecturer mentioned in passing that 95% of weight losers gain at least some, if not ALL or even more, of their weight back. It's a wonder she wasn't fired because that landed in my head like a bomb. I think during the whole time it took me to lose 80-odd pounds - in 7 months; I was the "Teacher's Pet" of my class and was never comfortable with that, either -- I had running in my mind, "I don't know why I'm doing this because I KNOW I'm one of those destined to gain it all back!" And I did. Weight loss/gain is such a MENTAL game, isn't it? And I do so sympathize with you and anyone else trying to lose weight again. Been there, done that many times. We are our own worst enemies.

[Barbara]

Have you seen that show "Ruby" on the style network? It's about a morbidly obese woman trying to lose weight to save her own life. She's in the process of discovering WHY she's gotten so out of hand.

When I yo-yo it reminds me of people who get out of prison, can't hack societal living, so they commit crime just to go back. Freedom means taking responsibility and making choices every day. Sometimes the easy way "out" is really just our way of going back to jail.

[somebodys mother]

Oh thank goodness I found this blog! I too have lost weight and regained it. I have gone back and read most of this from the beginning. It has taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with food. Today here is what I have learned. I must stop focusing on where I have been. Here is a pretty standard conversation that goes on in my head about me:
"Do you remember that cute little flowered sundress?"
"Yeah, I was thin and eating right and going to the gym every day back then. I looked great in that."
"But now that dress would only fit around one of my legs, not my entire body."
"I know, I really need to get back to doing that stuff again."
"Let's do it! Let's diet and go to the gym everyday and get back into that cute little dress again!"
"Ok let's do it!"
late that night...
"So I didn't work out today."
"I know, I am a giant slug who will never be thin again."
"Let's go eat a giant plate of tater tots dipped in blue cheese dressing and hot sauce. It'll take my mind off the fact that I am slowly turning into Jabba the Hutt."

One little set back, one 'failure' can send me spiraling. And I will take that one little failure and stroke it and nurture it so it can grow into a demon that takes over my life: oh-look-at-horrible-me-I'm-so-depressed-I-think-I'll-just-go-sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-my-thighs-spread-like-pancake-batter-on-a-skillet.
A thought occured to me as I was reading the past entries on this blog: if hanging onto every little setback, failure, or shortcoming sends me spiraling downward waht would happen if I did the opposite? What if, instead, I focused on every little small trimuph? What if I stroked and nurtured those instead? Instead of focusing on 'I am not working out everyday for 30 minutes I focus on what I AM doing? I am getting up from my desk a couple of times a day and walking up to the third floor of my building (Ooh, I'm a little out of breath! Ooh, there's a tiny burn in my thighs! This is good stuff; moments,not life times. Stroke and nurture this. Give this moment more importance than the moments that suck me into the I-am-Jabba-the-Hutt vortex. When I focus on this it makes it easier to change another moment, because I feel good. "No I don't need to get a candy bar from the vending machine to feed my emotions because I fed them a small accomplishment earlier which was very tasty." Trade debiltating depression for a tiny bit of self satisfaction here.
Will I be able to keep this up? I don't know. Just this minute I feel good. Good about me. The stairs are calling my name. I hungry for a little bite of accomplishment

[Lisa]

Just (((Hugs)))

[Bet]

Oh Mel, hang in there. We all have our demons.

I happen to share yours (and I haven't even gotten to goal yet to have a "relapse")

I always remember, that I could be Oprah, having the whole world comment on the size of my thighs--and thank the Lord, I'm not!

This journey has no end. And to regain can just be part of the journey.

You have a great attitude. Just hang in there!