(Shhhhh. I couldn't stay away, I guess.)

I saw myself in the mirror earlier tonight.  I am fat. 

I deserve it, too.  I've eaten too much, I've eaten the wrong things.  I've regressed and turned back into the person I was when I started this blog, a person who blockades feelings with food, a person who eats feelings for lunch and dinner.  (But weirdly, not breakfast.  I'm not awake enough at breakfast to be aware of my feelings, I guess.) 

I don't know what to do.  Wait.  I do know what to do.  I need to eat less, exercise more.  I need to write about it. 

I don't know more than that, but I know that.  I think writing helped me untangle myself from the mess I'd gotten into and now that I'm tangled up again, I put my trust in writing again. 

This is what I think.  I think that success for me involves no cheating, no exceptions, no coddling myself. 

I really, really, really hate how I look.  I hate how I feel.  I hate my clothes, I hate my hair.  I hate everything, really.  I am in a mood.

What came first?  The mood or the binge?  The mood prompts me to binge.  The binge puts me in a dark mood.  It's a horrible circle and the only thing to do is grab ahold of it and wrench it into submission.  All I know is that I have to cut sugar.  It has to be complete, absolute, no half-hearted attempt.  Otherwise, sugar wins.

I hesitate to post this.  I'm kind of thinking about saving it until tomorrow.  Maybe I will have a change of heart by morning. 

It's embarrassing to be fat again.  Everyone maintains a tactful silence on the subject, of course, but I can hear their thoughts.  Oh, she looks so heavy.  What a shame.  She gained that weight back.  I know.  People so easily discuss your weight loss with you, but never your weight gain.  It would almost be a relief to discuss the weight gain--then I could explain about my crazy year, about my full-time job, about the reasons I stopped exercising, which seem valid, yet, really?  Let's talk priorities. 

I fell off my priority list.  I'm not entirely sure I still have a spot on my list, but I have to push myself back up on the list.  My back hurts.  My clothes don't fit.  My jaw has been replaced by an extra chin.  I hate it.  I hate how I look.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate. 

Okay.  Well.  I guess I'll be here again sooner rather than later.  I can't face another season of being fat.

Comments

[Helen]

So glad you're here! 'Ethel' and I have just added another blog since we've mastered it (not). We're eager to break free from the fat/broke cycle, and since there's safety in numbers....

Hang in there; you've got some serious company!!!

Helen/'Lucy' (The Suite Life of Lucy and Ethel)

[Yvonne]

Did I write that? It sure seems as if I could have - I'm all the way back up in weight, too. I am not even on my priority list....

[mrs darling]

Praying you can get back on track. I have had a mini gain myself. I havent had to buy new clothes or anything but I have gained 2 pounds this year. I too am stopping that because at one point this year I had lost 11 pounds. Its time to get back into the saddle. We can do this.

[Tammy ~@~]

{{{{{Mel}}}}}

When you hit the bottom, the only direction to go is up. Perhaps you needed to get to this point to head in a better healthier direction? It sounds like you've made a good assessment of where you're at and I know you know what you need to do. I've watched you do it before and I KNOW you can do it again! Set some goals and go for it!

Blessings,
Tammy ~@~

P.S. It was a total random thing to stop here today, so hopefully God will use this to encourage you!

[Sara B]

Oh friend, you will get your mojo back - all it has to do is get to this point, where you cannot accept what you are currently doing. I have been waffling and see-sawing for a year now. I have been stuck in the 220s for ages. And I have finally accepted the fact that I have to be constant, consistent and dedicated. All. The. Time. And I hate it too. But when the scale moved down this morning, I was so proud of myself. I haven't weighed this little since September 2008, so it is quite embarrassing to have been stuck for 6 months! I know you loathe tracking calories, but I moved from FitDay to the Daily Plate,part of livestrong.com and it is so helpful, because they have brands from the Pacific Northwest in there (Lucerne, Fred Meyer, etc.) and I don't have to hunt and peck to find the right foods and amounts. I can't say enough about it! And you can make a "meal" so that you don't have to enter all of your salad ingredients one by one, like if you're still on your romaine and tuna kick. It's a great tool, and not as tedious as FitDay.

You are not alone in being embarrassed. You are not alone in struggling and frustration, and sugar - oy. Don't get me started. You are amazing that you can give it up completely, I can't. I do feel better when I stay away from it, though. I believe in you! Sorry for the longest comment EVAH. I wish you the best - and I loved your line about how you fell off your own priority list. That's so true. I kick health to the curb when I get busy. But I sure do find time to watch TV. Shameful of me! Best to you.

[MB]

I'm glad you're back. I know how frustrating it is to gain back weight you thought would be gone forever. I hope you make yourself a priority again and look forward to watching you lose it again (and for good).

[sue bennett]

Welcome back Mel
Why is it so hard to lose the weight a second time? Usually, if you've done something once it gets easier, not harder!
I'll keep checking in with you here as I'm sure you can get yourself back on track. In the meantime here's a hug to let you know you're not alone in this battle! Sue B

[Pat]

Melodee--I have been reading you for awhile, and was happy to see you post again on Dietnaked. I love your writing, by the way.

You are right. YOU fell off the priority list, but how the heck couldn't you? Wife, mom, fulltime job, probably almost fulltime volunteerism (aren't you the wife of a minister?). The thing is..you know exactly how to do it...to get back on the horse.

I do feel strongly that women your age (I am 57 and have grown kids) just are so fragmented by all the needs and demands of life. But you have to give yourself some leeway to do things for you.

May I offer a couple of suggestions, based on what I did to lose my weight, back when I was younger?

1. I went to bed early, like 10 pm. I got up every morning and walked at 5:30 am. It was hard at first, but the stress relief was reward enough. I still do this. That 1 hour belonged to no one but me. I wasn't taking away anything from my kids and husband. They were dead to the world at that hour.
2. You have teens and young ones. It is hard to fix meals that suit you and suit them. For every meal, I did fruit and cottage cheese for me, or a huge salad and I also ate smaller portions of the main dish. Pretty soon, everyone also wanted cottage cheese and fruit or one of my amazing salads as well. I do not serve bread/rolls at meals except special dinners. I use brown rice, whole wheat pasta, fake spray butter, and bake very little. I make treats for my husband (and used to for the kids) that I could care less about...like Rice Krispie treats. They always have something good. I buy special treats for me....fat free frozen juice bars or low fat ice cream bars. I hid them back then.
3. I take my lunch to work every day. Have done this (started because of $$) for 30 years. I eat out once a week with my husband on Friday nights and I love it...I look forward to that dinner out and plan all week for it.
4. I forked over the hard earned dollars and joined WW. I was faithful. I went to the meetings. I counted every point. Now, all these years later, I know the point value of everything. I still count points. When I go up a few pounds, I exercise for 2 hours a day and eat fewer nighttime snacks.
5. I gave up worrying that I couldn't do everything. None of us can. You should see my drawers...heavens, they need to be organized. Sometimes I plant flowers and they die from lack of water. Lots of times I have family dinners and order BBQ if I don't have time to cook. They like it better than what I would have made.

Girl..give yourself tons of pats on the back for all the things you do. Forgive yourself and love yourself and start again.
I honestly think most women go through the lose and gain cycle often.

Oh, and I don't know about most people, but I think others don't even look at us. They are too busy twittering or checking their messages. Tee hee.

[Laura]

I can discuss it with you b/c I have all the same issues. We just need to pick up and handle it again. How to wedge ourselves into the list of priorities is the hard part.

[lynne]

There is no better time to start than right now. I'll keep the faith... I believe you have it in you to do what you did again -- maybe this time even better and for even longer (forever?!). Put yourself back on the list and make it NON-NEGOTIABLE...like a morning BM!

[Jericho]

You've been here before. You've done this before. You know what you have to do. You inspired all of us. You gave us all confidence and courage by your example.

How can we inspire you?

[MissKris]

Oh, Mel honey. You are sooooooo much in my thoughts and prayers right now. And if I was there with you I'd wrap you up in a big ol' warm hug and let you cry. 'Coz I think that might just clear you all out and help you start fresh.

[MamaBearJune]

Sending hugs your way. You really do need to put yourself on your priority list again!

[Beth]

Welcome back. We'll be traveling this journey together.

[Martha]

Just checked in here and found your post. I really feel your pain. I have lost and gained over the years.. and right now am back at the top.. seems that nothing I do makes me lose. I really hate, hate, hate it too. I'm trying to be accepting of my body but it's difficult as I get older and more out of shape. I don't do half the things you do and have time to work out.. but just don't.. I need to figure out what will motivate me! Hang in there.

[R]

Good luck getting back on track. You are going to feel so much better about yourself when you do. It is just awful to feel like there's this crazy part of you that you can't get hold of, eating wise.

Maybe you can try to commit to just 3 or 4 days of eating right and exercising? You know what to do, you know what worked before, so you already have some good tools to use. I am rooting for you!

[Elizabeth M Thompson]

I don't know what your expectations of yourself are, but when I met you at Mount Hermon, the word "fat" never entered into my mind. The words I would associate with you are witty, friendly, outgoing, fun and hilarious.

I don't know you well, but I've read some of your blog posts and you sure seem to have a lot going for you. You might be surprised to find that some people really care more about your heart and your character than your size and shape.

[Barb]

Glad your back to blogging and focusing on health. I allowed a trip with my husband to sidetrack my focus. I too, have gained back (not all, but a lot) of weight. It is maddening and it is all my fault. I stopped exercising. I stopped journaling my food intake. I stopped journaling. I so easily, too easily, slacked off and fell back into nasty, mean ol' habits of eating when bored, eating when sad, eating when mad, eating when depressed, eating when stressed. My new capris are tight in the waist and I'm angry. With myself. I was on such a powerful, weight-reducing streak. This week (it's wednesday now) I returned to exercise. It's good. It causes me to eat smarter. It makes me happy. It makes my husband happy. Routine is so important and necessary but my "wormwood" mocks routine and whispers, "Routines are fuddy-duddy, they're so...old-fashioned." Well, enough. Accept the fact, self, that you need what you need and dive in.
Melodee, Thanks for being a part of the grand scheme of weight-loss encouragement. I hope I can repay you in kind.