The Diet Naked Blog

Freaked out

I will be traveling to NYC on business. I just found out and thus, I have twenty days to lose twenty pounds.

I am only half kidding. When I last traveled to NYC, I weighed forty pounds less than I do now. I am seeing the same people. They will obviously notice my weight gain.

I am mortified.

However, it is what it is. So I am trying to use this event as a catalyst for good, incentive to eat carefully until September 15 and beyond. My inclination is to panic and eat ice cream to soothe that panic.

But I will not.

Gaining weight is awful. Getting caught at a higher weight is worse.

And what will I wear?

*scream*

Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled program. Thanks for tuning in.

Monday weigh-in

I lost three pounds last week. I am back on track. And how am I repaid for my diligence? I caught a cold from my kids. But I will carry on. I cannot overemphasize how much I want to shed this weight and be in a smaller, healthier body. I want it more than Ben & Jerry's Creme Brulee ice cream. How are you? On track? Struggling? Or somewhere in between?

Am I really doing it?

I said to myself tonight at 11 p.m., "No one needs to eat at 11 p.m."  Because that's true.  No one needs to eat at 11 p.m., unless one is a third shift worker just waking up for a midnight shift.  But I'm ending my day at midnight or 1 a.m., and it is really unnecessary to have a snack. 

I wish I had that common sense voice speaking in my head more often.  Usually the voice in my head is chanting, "What can I eat?  What can I eat?  What can I eat?  What can I eat?  What can I eat?"  Which is really rather annoying.  And unhelpful.

However, today I managed to stay focused and to stay on track.  Three days in a row.  Woo-hoo!  I have to do it this time.  No more failures because with every start and stop along this treacherous journey I have gained five pounds.  I promise myself I'll start a diet "Monday" or "August 1" or "April 1" or whatever it happens to be and then in preparation I eat eat eat eat eat all the stuff I will miss . . . that's basically how I've gained all this weight.  Five pound increments, pretty much.  

I also resisted the urge to step on the scale this morning because I want instant results and instant results are impossible. 

So, there you go.  Another good day.  A string of good days and maybe I can stop wearing fat pants.  Please, let it be.

Balancing act

Okay, one more time.  Back on the high wire, arms horizontal, eyes on the horizon.  Steady now.  Don't panic.  Balance.  One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

I have just completed two days of healthy eating.  "Dieting," if you will.  After all this time writing about eating and losing weight (and gaining weight) and trying to lose weight and I'm still not sure what lingo I ought to use.  The word "diet" is like a dirty word, conjuring images of grapefruit and cottage cheese.  "Healthy eating plan" is a clunky phrase.  "Lifestyle change" is what I thought I was making last time around . . . when I was on my "diet" . . . which fell apart when I stopped daily walks and started eating a bunch of stuff that is exceptionally bad for me to eat.

Well, for the purposes of this blog, I will use the word "diet" to mean eating healthy and making good choices.  I generally prefer the low-glycemic index plan, which is so similar to Sugar Busters or the South Beach diet plan or a dozen other diets.  The idea is to avoid refined flour and sugar and to eat healthy, whole foods.  And that's what I've done the past two days.

I am fixing my eyes on the distant horizon, on the eventual goal, even as I take one step at a time.  I just have to make a series of good decisions each day in order to reach the goal.  One good decision isn't enough.  Two good decisions aren't enough--because I can so easily demolish those two good decisions by eating a half a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies.  (And I plummet to the ground and have to go back to the starting line all over again.)

I am really my own worst enemy but also the only person who can get me out of this fix. 

Balance.  One foot in front of the other.  That's the goal for tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that.

Promise-breaker

That's me.  A promise-breaker.  I break promises to myself, over and over and over again.

Why?

When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

Also, maybe I'll write about it more tomorrow . . . but tonight, it's already very late (I work until midnight) and I am taking my kids on an outing tomorrow and need some rest.

Thanks for all your comments.  I mean to answer them but keep running out of time.  But I definitely read every single comment and leave them in my email box with hopes that I'll actually reply! 

Checking in

Okay, so I resorted to taking it one day at a time.

Because I can't manage the whole rest of my life with the feeble strength I have today. Today, I have enough of my wits about me to get through today and only today.

That's how I managed to avoid eating the fresh donuts that appeared in my kitchen this morning. Plus, I kept hiding them in the microwave so I didn't have face them.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Feelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feelings. . .

I've watched a couple episodes of the show "Obsessed" which chronicles the treatment of people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.  The essential part of the treatment is "exposures," in which the therapist puts the patient into a situation that will cause him or her the most anxiety possible.  The idea is to get the patient to reach the peak of distress and to sit with that horrible feeling until it begins to subside WITHOUT reaching for their coping mechanism. 

What I know about myself is that food serves as a way to mask emotions.  And I have an inkling that if I could just embrace whatever emotion I have, if I could just sit with it and feel it instead of eating it along with a bowl of melting rocky-road ice cream that I'd stop struggling so much. 

I know that is true.  For goodness sake's, I've read just about everything Geneen Roth ever wrote on this topic.  It's just that inviting an unpleasant emotion to come in and sit on my couch and stare me in the face is exactly what I don't want to do.  I'd rather chew something crunchy and spoon something smooth into my mouth. 

The emotions I try to chase away with cookies are mundane, really.  Boredom, fatigue, annoyance, impatience, loneliness.  I mean, seriously, I'm 44 years old.  Hasn't this gone on long enough?

I've had success in the past when life has converged into a happy pattern and I've felt warm and fuzzy about the direction of my life.  But when things are chaotic and haphazard and disappointing?  That won't kill me. 

But carrying all this extra weight around my middle will, sooner or later.

Get a grip.  Get it together.  Eat right.  Feel those feelings, observe them, sit with them.  Bored is not the same as hunger and thus, a really bad reason to eat.  I know this.  I do. 

Let's just pretend today never happened

Seriously.  Let's never speak of it again.

Thank you, thank you very much!

Are you all the most helpful bunch of people in the blogosphere?  (Correct answer:  Yes.)

Here's is a summary of your responses to my last post:

1)  Concentrate on the diet.  It's most important anyway.

2)  Just do it.  Exercise, even when it's not fun.

3)  Forget about exercise for now.  Lose ten pounds first, then worry about adding exercise.

4)  Exercise because of the health benefits, not to promote weight loss.

And here's the thing:  I know you're all right. 

Exercise is important and not just to lose weight.  It's important for flexibility and strength and for improved mental health.  Also?  If I can't exercise, that doesn't mean I should just eat a pint of ice cream in defeat.  Nope.  I need to eat right no matter what.  Eating right matters a whole lot more than exercise when we're talking about weight loss.  I know this to be true.  I even wrote a blog post about it a long long time ago.  (I would find it for you if it weren't already 12:30 a.m.!)

Also?  Someone mentioned that losing weight this time will likely not be as easy or fun as it was the first time.  Especially considering my age.  (I'm 44.)  I know that's true.  So, okay.  Sometimes we do thing because it's the right thing to do, even if it's not fun.  (Boy, have I learned that as the mother of four children!) 

So, welcome Monday.  It's time to tighten up the diet, keep eyes on the prize and do my best.  I can do this. 

(And with regards to exercise . . . my schedule is busy, especially with all four children home for the summer and my full-time job.  Once my kids get back to school I am most definitely going to make exercise the first part of my day.  I said that last year at this time, but then took myself right off my priority list.  This year, I have to be on that list, at least near the top.  Meanwhile, I am going to try to get some exercise without beating myself up about it.)

Still here but not better than ever

Hey, so I'm hanging in there, but failing at the daily exercise thing. 

I just don't want to.  What do you do when you just don't want to exercise? 

Other than that, I'm eating the right things and avoiding (most of) the wrong things.

I feel really hopeless, like this weight will never actually come off again.  I can't remember feeling this way the last time I lost weight.  I wonder what the difference is?  I do know that feeling hopeless is a pretty terrible way to approach weight loss efforts.

But putting aside feelings, I'm marching forward because I cannot and will not stay fat forever.