Dear Diet Blog,
You are so easy to ignore. Or maybe it's that I am unfaithful to you. That's probably closer to the truth. I come here, dump out my thoughts and wander off into the kitchen sunset and promptly ignore you for a week.
It's not that I intend to ignore you, but intentions are nothing, really, without action. And my actions lately have been scattered and half-hearted and distracted. I mean to eat a good breakfast, a healthy bowl of oatmeal, and then I decide instead to sleep in and spend the time before I start work rushing around . . . and grabbing something unhealthy to eat while sitting at my desk.
I make promises to myself that I don't keep. Maybe I don't even intend to keep them. For instance, tonight I'm giving myself the "no sugar" pep-talk (while I eat Oreos with orange filling) and then I thought about how after my daughter's soccer game two weeks ago we went to Dairy Queen and that Pumpkin-Pie Blizzard was so good and maybe we could go again on Saturday--HEY WAIT, I JUST SAID NO SUGAR!
I want conflicting things. I want to eat cookies to entertain and soothe myself but I want to fit into smaller clothes. I want to order fast food but I want to shrink my belly. I want to sleep but I want to exercise and be fit. I am ridiculous. I know it.
If I could have one good solid week of reasonable behavior--healthy diet, moderate exercise--I know that I'd see results. I'd have incentive to continue on. I'd have hope. Then I could do it another week and before you know it, I would be wearing a smaller size.
And over and over again I keep sabotaging myself and doing stupid things.
Honestly, I hate myself for that even while I know that hating myself is pointless. Also? Even while I hate myself I understand that I am the same person whether I am chubby or fit and that the only person who really cares about my double-chin is me.
I've also come to realize that along with my weight loss three years ago came a lot of smug pride. I thought I had it all figured out and couldn't understand why everyone didn't do what I was doing. And now even I can't do what I was doing. And I am humbled. Humiliated, really, only can you be humiliated if you are the only person deeply invested in your own feelings? Probably not.
Please understand that I don't really hate myself. I really hate being fat, though and I hate that I am conspiring with myself to stay this way. Maybe I like it on some level, as horrifying as that thought may be.
Also? Someone will send me an email and tell me to stop the angst and to stop analyzing myself and yes, that's probably good advice. I just need to stop talking and start doing.
Though if I stop talking, this blog will be mighty quiet. Ha ha.
Okay, well, that's where I am tonight. I am trying to pep-talk myself into making good choices so I don't end up with diabetes and heart disease and gigantic pants with elastic waists.
You said it perfectly......I could have written this myself...though it wouldn't have been as good. Thanks for being honest, for many of us I am sure.
Posted by: Terri | October 15, 2009 at 05:19 AM
I think we may be twins.
Lucy
Posted by: Helen | October 15, 2009 at 05:26 AM
Apparently it's more than twins - quads so far. Honestly, Mel, it's like you're in my head. Scary.
Posted by: Valerie | October 15, 2009 at 05:44 AM
You're speaking my language.
Posted by: Barb | October 15, 2009 at 06:15 AM
I know exactly what you are saying. When you are in "the groove" and your mojo is high, you convince yourself that it's so easy. But then you lose your mojo and you have no idea how to get it back...
The only thing I can say is... if you've lost weight once, then you can do it again. You should never give up. Because the reality is going up and down 40lbs is still A LOT better, than only going up!!
Posted by: Janet | October 15, 2009 at 06:20 AM
Sad as it seems I'm more in fear of the pants with the gigantic elastic waistband than the other two. I'm so in denial about that.
Posted by: Karen | October 15, 2009 at 09:16 AM
I appreciate your honesty, fellow struggler.
Posted by: Jen | October 15, 2009 at 10:39 AM
Maybe it's just God's way of getting rid of your pride. We all need to fall on our face once in a while and for me, it's necessary to turn me back to relying on God instead of myself.
Posted by: MamaBearJune | October 16, 2009 at 12:11 AM
I think the idea that this is a process with a beginning and an end adds to the angst. Once you got your skinny pants prize - you crossed it off your list... Wrapping your head around the notion that behaviours have to change FOREVER in order to maintain is tough to grasp and even harder to live on a daily basis. Imagining your world with NO PUMPKIN BLIZZARDS is a scary thing... Just as a world with no potato chips is for me.
Posted by: lynne | October 16, 2009 at 06:01 AM
Just as the other ladies have said, you are sharing what we all feel. I especially identified with the "I make promises to myself that I don't keep. Maybe I don't even intend to keep them." part. That is me almost every week, sometimes several days in a row. It is hard. And I hate it. I hate how I feel like a failure when it comes to food. I hate that my body actually needs 8 hours of sleep instead of 6 so I can exercise and maybe get a little reading without children interrupting. I know there are no excuses but really, this way of thinking gets old. I am so tired of being sick and tired. And it feels like there is no end in sight.
Ouida Gabriel
Posted by: Mrs. Damian Garcia | October 16, 2009 at 07:22 AM
I can really relate to what you've just said and I love the way you said it. I think that blogging about our weight loss is another added "responsibility" that becomes such an important part of our progress. When I go through periods of being neglectful to my diet and my exercise routine, my blogging is sure to follow suit. Just one more thing to feel guilty about. Really, everyone falters from time to time, but what really matters is that you can get back up, dust the Oreo cookie crumbs from your shirt and keep going. One of the most important things about losing weight is learning to forgive ourselves for our slip ups and move forward. Dwelling on our failures will only make matters worse.
Posted by: Weight Loss Blog | October 16, 2009 at 02:19 PM
Oooooo, I am so there with you! As I approach each of my goals it gets worse too -- somehow part of me doesn't really want to get there and I don't know how to change that part's mind.
Posted by: Tinker | October 16, 2009 at 11:18 PM
I've been thinking the same thing. If I could just get a good solid week of doing things the way I know they need to be done I would be on my way. So, I posted a menu on my blog that I intend to follow starting Monday. I hate plans. I hate counting calories more, and at least this menu is not about calories. I'm also going to walk each day. We'll see how it goes.
Posted by: Tacie | October 17, 2009 at 01:27 PM
Just know that you are not the only one who does this--note that most of us who are responding do the same exact thing.
I suffered a foot injury in late June and since then I have been unable to exercise other than doing the stationary bike and weights...which is far less activity than I normally do, so of course the pounds have crept on. It is so frustrating. I keep telling myself that I'm not going to eat junk anymore but then I add Halloween candy to my shopping list, and not for trick-or-treaters! As you can imagine, this is not helping my clothes get looser!
Keep at it Mel; you know you can do it!
Posted by: corapartan | October 18, 2009 at 05:59 PM
thanks for your info
Posted by: latif | October 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM