The Diet Naked Blog

The good, the bad and the baked goods

It's not that I intend to be silent here.  It's just that once Monday comes, my week collapses like a mudslide, covering houses, cars and small children.  I've been putting in extra time on my job, finally shutting off my computer at 1:30 a.m. or later . . . then waking up hours later to take my daughter to school.  Then I take a nap and start my day all over again.  I think I'll blog before work, but don't give myself enough time.  Then I think maybe after work but then suddenly it's 1:30 a.m., too late for anything but bed.

It's only 12:40 a.m. right now, so I thought I'd post here quickly.

I had a GREAT week last week.  I lost five pounds.  Then I baked cookies and ate some.  That was a couple of days ago.  And then I baked brownies.  And ate some.  And then I ate more cookies.

What is wrong with this picture?

(I know.  Stop baking, Mel.  What in the world is wrong with your brain?)

Okay, well, I'm confessing that to you because typing those words will help me be accountable for the rest of the week.  Even Halloween!  I am not eating Halloween candy this year.  I just will not.

In fact, I bought a gigantic bag of Costco Halloween candy.  I gave it to my husband after I bought it and told him to hide it from me.  He laughed as if I am a lunatic (I am a lunatic) and then hid it.  I could probably find it if I tried hard enough but I'm not going to even look.  Just having it out of my sight helps.  Knowing that he knows that I have so little self-control that I need him to hide it will keep me from sneaking into it. 

I hate to treat myself like a weakling, but I am a weakling.  A weakling who should stop baking.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SUGARY.

Anyway.  Also?  I haven't started exercising yet.  I downloaded this really cool Couch to 5K app on my iPhone.  I am seriously in love with this app, but I haven't used it yet.  Monday it was too rainy.  Tuesday I was too tired (stayed up until nearly 2 a.m.).  Today I was tired (up until past 1:30 a.m.).  Tomorrow I'm not going to do it because I don't want to and also because I have some Halloween-related errands I have to run before I start work at noon.

But I am going to start.  Next week?  Maybe.  Maybe next week.  In the meantime, I'm going to eat right.  Stop this avalanche right here, right now before I'm buried.  No need to wait until Monday.  Tomorrow, I start over.

How are you doing? 

On having faith

Fear not, this is not religious. 

When I say "faith" I mean faith as in "complete confidence in a person or plan".  (I looked up that definition because I am fancy like that.)

I am almost a week into my renewed resolve to avoid sugar and white flour and to stop eating like today might be my last day on earth.  I am down five pounds . . . or three pounds. . . or four pounds, depending on the time of day and the amount of sleep I've had.  And I know that I could easily bounce right back up to 220 (!) in one day of reckless eating.   (Yes, I just mentioned my actual weight in numbers . . . well, my starting weight this time around.  Be horrified.  I am.)

To keep reckless eating at bay, I have to have faith that this will work again.  Right now, I cannot imagine zipping up the jeans buried in my closet.  I can't imagine success.  My vision is blocked by fear that what worked once will never work again and that I am doomed to be a fat housewife forever.

So, I am acting in faith that the formula I have chosen will work.  Avoiding sugar and white flour will keep my blood sugar steady.  Adding exercise (next week!) will help me feel better and will rev up my metabolism.  And sooner or later, the lost pounds will add up and I will zip up the pants that mock me now.

Faith. 

I cannot find it at the bottom of a potato chip bag. 

I will believe with my head until my heart catches up.  This will work.  This must work.  It will. 

*Fingers crossed*

I deserve a Certificate of Achievement

I made homemade brownies topped with chocolate chips.

And I did not eat one.  Not a single one. 

I rock.

Shockingly, I am eating right!

I am still on track! I had a successful Day Two.

Right now though, I'm going to take a morning nap. I was up until 2:00 a.m. (I have more job responsibilities and keep accidentally working late.)

Maybe more blogging later. I always think I can do more in a day than is actually possible. Do you do that, too?

Day One

I am pleased to report that I ate properly today.  No sugar, no flour, no potatoes, no rice.  (Although, frankly, potatoes and rice have very little to do with me being fat.)

I think I can do this again.  Tomorrow will (unfortunately) be here in a scant seven hours, so time for sleep. 

How are you doing? 

[Here's what I ate today:

Oatmeal and blueberries
Salad with turkey and a sprinkle of walnuts
Two or three Triscuits
Egg whites & mushrooms
Fat-free popcorn
Baby carrots
Walnut (just a few)]

The Plan

Okay, so here's the deal.  I propose (to myself) a solid week of healthy, mindful eating.  No sugar, no flour, none of the stuff that makes me fat.

I'll report in each day.

The only way to fail is to stop trying.

On your mark, get set, go.  Again.  

Join me if you dare. 

Dear Diet Blog . . .

Dear Diet Blog,

You are so easy to ignore.  Or maybe it's that I am unfaithful to you.  That's probably closer to the truth.  I come here, dump out my thoughts and wander off into the kitchen sunset and promptly ignore you for a week.

It's not that I intend to ignore you, but intentions are nothing, really, without action.  And my actions lately have been scattered and half-hearted and distracted.  I mean to eat a good breakfast, a healthy bowl of oatmeal, and then I decide instead to sleep in and spend the time before I start work rushing around . . . and grabbing something unhealthy to eat while sitting at my desk.

I make promises to myself that I don't keep.  Maybe I don't even intend to keep them.  For instance, tonight I'm giving myself the "no sugar" pep-talk (while I eat Oreos with orange filling) and then I thought about how after my daughter's soccer game two weeks ago we went to Dairy Queen and that Pumpkin-Pie Blizzard was so good and maybe we could go again on Saturday--HEY WAIT, I JUST SAID NO SUGAR!

I want conflicting things.  I want to eat cookies to entertain and soothe myself but I want to fit into smaller clothes.  I want to order fast food but I want to shrink my belly.  I want to sleep but I want to exercise and be fit.  I am ridiculous.  I know it.

If I could have one good solid week of reasonable behavior--healthy diet, moderate exercise--I know that I'd see results.  I'd have incentive to continue on.  I'd have hope.  Then I could do it another week and before you know it, I would be wearing a smaller size.

And over and over again I keep sabotaging myself and doing stupid things. 

Honestly, I hate myself for that even while I know that hating myself is pointless.  Also?  Even while I hate myself I understand that I am the same person whether I am chubby or fit and that the only person who really cares about my double-chin is me. 

I've also come to realize that along with my weight loss three years ago came a lot of smug pride.  I thought I had it all figured out and couldn't understand why everyone didn't do what I was doing.  And now even I can't do what I was doing.  And I am humbled.  Humiliated, really, only can you be humiliated if you are the only person deeply invested in your own feelings?  Probably not.

Please understand that I don't really hate myself.  I really hate being fat, though and I hate that I am conspiring with myself to stay this way.  Maybe I like it on some level, as horrifying as that thought may be.

Also?  Someone will send me an email and tell me to stop the angst and to stop analyzing myself and yes, that's probably good advice.  I just need to stop talking and start doing. 

Though if I stop talking, this blog will be mighty quiet.  Ha ha. 

Okay, well, that's where I am tonight.  I am trying to pep-talk myself into making good choices so I don't end up with diabetes and heart disease and gigantic pants with elastic waists.

Busy

I'm just too busy.  That's all there is to it.

But with four kids, a forty-hour a week job, a husband, a laundry pile, a "hobby" (writing a novel) and running a household, what's a girl to do?

I remember feeling super busy in college when all I had to worry about was passing my classes and making it to the cafeteria before it closed.  Oh, those were the days!  All I had to worry about was myself and I could do my week's laundry in two loads.  And the dryers only cost a dime!

I'm really struggling with finding a balance.  I keep thinking that I'll make my morning walks a requirement.  But then things happen.

For instance, Sunday night I ended up working until 1:15 a.m.  I couldn't sleep until 2:00 a.m.  So after I took my daughter to school at 9:00 a.m., I took a nap.  I woke up just in time to shower and start my shift at noon.  I worked until five, cooked dinner, went to a meeting, returned home just in time to work my three hour shift until midnight.

The next morning--TODAY--I took my daughter to school and returned at 9 a.m., just in time for a work-related telephone call.  After the call, I did some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, ate some oatmeal, did some work, showered and started my five hour shift. 

And so it goes.  My days are packed tightly, as if my schedule is a Tetris game I am constantly shifting to fit in more blocks.

It's kind of making me crazy.  I feel like I ought to be able to do more, be more, eat less, exercise more. 

The past two days I have eaten well--until the brownies tonight--WHY MUST I BE SUCH A GOOD BAKER?! 

Despite the brownies, I congratulate myself on two days well-done.

If I could just stay in the vicinity of healthy eating with only the occasional venture outside the realm of "good eating", that would be awesome.

And, as someone asked, YES, I have followed the Ten Easy Steps to Getting Fat.  AND THEY WORK.

What am I missing?

I am missing something important.  What is it?  What did I have then that I don't have now?

Think on these things.