I will not be America's Next Top Model

Since I gained back (almost) all of my weight (how that pains me), my body looks worse than ever before. 

Maybe this is because I'm older now.  Time's taking it's toll on me.  (I'm going to be 45 in a couple of weeks.)  I have horrible skin, skin which stretches out and doesn't have any interest in springing back into shape.  The fat seems to have congregated with a vengeance in my mid-section in a most unflattering way.  I'm just being honest here.  Things are not pretty.

And whenever I really look at myself, I am disheartened.  It's super depressing to know that no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much muscle mass I build, my stomach is always going to be ugly.  Stretchmarks stretch across my skin.  I am never going to be America's Next Top Model.

(At least I still have my sense of humor!)

At a certain age--my age, I guess--you have to stop thinking in terms of vanity and looks and start thinking in terms of health and vitality.  I really want to be healthy and fit.  I don't care so much about wearing a bikini (I never did in my life and I'm not about to start now).  I just want to be at a normal body weight.

Really.  I do.

But I still wish that I wasn't so disgusted with how I look.  I wish it didn't matter to me.  I wish I had no mirrors and had never decided when I was a small, normal-sized child that I was FAT. 

It's a sad way to live a life.  I should have been so thankful for my body.  Instead, I loathed it, even though there was nothing wrong with it at all. 

* * *

Today, I was cookie-free! 

Comments

[Helen]

Good for you - no cookies!!!

Me, either! Probably because I didn't have any(!), but it doesn't matter WHY, does it???

'Lucy'

[Roxie]

Mel, I hope you can get to some sort of acceptance about the body because living in hate ain't no way to live. Seriously, I understand where you are coming from as I was there and visit there from time to time.

I hope you find some peace about it or you could just do what I do and avoid looking in mirrors. One of the advantages of getting older is that my eyesight is going to hell in a handbasket, so the less I see in even less detail, the better off I am.

Glad to see you are cookie free! I know you will wake up tomorrow (whenever your tomorrow is) and feel better because of it.

Have a wonderful day....

[Tish]

Hey Cookie-Free!

Good for you on the cookies. You're discouraged now, but really, you face win thin out and as you lose the pounds your body will start to look good again. I'm 58, fought weight all my life. When I lost 50 pounds two years ago, I felt and looked great. I'm never baring my belly to the world, but, dressed, I looked fine. Check out my website. You're a young thing! It's only a couple of years since you looked great. It will work, don't let this discourage you. Your pix look great and you can get back to that weight.

[Encourager]

Hey Mel,

First of all, a SUPER CONGRATS for no cookies day. I would just like to add that this takes time (like you haven't heard that before, right!) Seriously, applaud yourself on your back for eating no cookies today- I would go so far as to WRITE IT DOWN and put a date next to it. One day down, another one to go tomorrow. Don't focus on the large daunting figures like "100 days to go of no cookies" or "40 pounds to lose" or whatever. Seriously, you are in for the LONG haul. Write it down today. This is Day 1 or whatever day you are on right now. This is an achievement. Likewise, the weight will come off one pound at a time. If it were faster, it would not be healthy or permanent. My point is- hang in there. People read your blog because you inspire them in some way, and they are WILLING you to succeed. So go kick some butt. You WILL make it. Sending you an encouraging HUG ;-)

[Alisa]

You are hitting the mark. We tend to worship how we look or how we think we should look. A goal of being healthy- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually- is a higher goal. We need to be able to do the work God put us here to do. Everything we do is in the physical.

The Principle of the Path -- Direction, not intention, will take you where you want to go.
No matter how good your intentions are!

I'm preaching to the choir again. I'm thankful you are so transparent. I have the tendency to think like you.
I did not have cake yesterday. I will not have it again today!
So, no cookies for you again today??? Let us know later?? Accountablility!
Maybe I should tell you to ask me about the mini Reese's cups...

Thank you for the book. I love it!

[MB]

I hope we both get to a point where we can be comfortable in our own skin even if we never have a shot at America's Next Top Model.

Congrats on being cookie-free today!

[Kathryn]

I hear you! The tough part of being healthy is being happy with your body. I think you've made great progress in the past; your photos are proof that you are strong and proud of yourself...push through it one cookie at a time! ;)

[MamaBearJune]

Oh, come ON! Have you watched that stupid show? The commercials for it are enough to make me gag. Why would anyone want to be even close to that category?

Health and vitality are so important and I know you want that and only you can make the healthy choices every day for yourself. I know you can do it again!

Great job on saying NO to the cookies.

[Biz]

Sending you hugs Mel! I have noticed since I am in my 40's now that the weight loss is WAY slower than it was 10 years ago when I lost all my weight.

But then again, it was before I was married, I hardly ever drank, and hardly ever went out to eat - after I met my husband just by adding the wine and dining out, I gained 25 pounds in six months!

But I caught myself and within 4 months was back between 135 -140 - if I started to get closer to 145 I really got back on track.

I like to blame my insulin, but its my choice to eat the extra slice of pizza. We may be on a long road, but we'll get there!!

Have an awesome weekend!

[Carrie]

Way to go! Cookie free is awesome.

I managed to get my 7 yr.old to go with me on three Couch-to-3k walks, and myself two workouts on the stairstep.

Right now, I like how I am eating, and I like how much I am working out, so I am hoping that over time, if I maintain the current eating/workingout routine, I will learn to like the body I have. Of course I am also hoping that over time my weight goes down! But fitness and viatlity and no weight gain are the first level goals. Weight loss would be a bonus, but liking my body regardless would be the ultimate gift.

[All Women Stalker]

Please don't stress too much about it... it'll make you loose your confidence plus you'll get depressed. As long as your exercising, you'll get there :)