Trying to be invisible

I had a dream last week in which I was walking down the street in my unflattering cotton knit nightgown.  I wore socks with my black fleece slippers and cradled my pillow in its pink pillowcase against my stomach.  I was homely and repulsive. 

On the other side of the street was someone I knew from college. 

"Hi, Melodee!" the person said.

My heart sank.  I did not want to talk to that person.  She crossed the street.  "What are you doing?" she said.

"Oh, just trying to be invisible," I said. 

* * *

I feel like I've been trying to be invisible.  But instead of shrinking to nothing, disappearing from view, I got fatter.  And the fatter I get, the less people seem to see me.  Which was a relief, in a way.

Yet, I know people see the outside of me, the body I'm in.  They can't see the inside of me unless they really know me, so I'm effectively hidden by my body. 

It's a conundrum.  I don't want to be treated like a fat person.  Yet there is some comfort in being unnoticed because I'm fat and being dismissed as just another fat housewife.  I'm like a superhero in disguise, able to pass through crowds without attention.  (A superhero?  Well, maybe that's a stretch.)

On the other hand, I hate being treated like I'm unkempt, incompetent, inferior.  I hate that eyes pass right over me without meeting mine or taking notice of me. 

I'm trying to be invisible yet I'm distraught at my appearance now that I've done this to myself.  And at the same time, I don't want to be fat and invisible.  

These are the thoughts that roll around in my head since I heard myself say "I'm trying to be invisible" in my dream.

* * *

In the meantime, I've returned to my low-glycemic index roots.  (It's basically the South Beach Diet.  It's funny how the same type of diet has so many names.)  I've had two successful days in a row. 

I exercised every single day in January. 

So, there's that.  Monday I will post my weight and the Diet Naked: The Sequel begins again in earnest.

Comments

[Debbie Henriksen]

Try not to be so hard on yourself...I know I have felt the same way over and over...each time I regain the weight I have lost...of course I never quite reach my goal? hmmm fear of success...I have to try and figure that one out? In brief, we have all felt the same way at one time or another and why are we (as women) so hard on ourselves? I think we need to try and accept ourselves along the way to being "healthier not skinnier"...
Here's to new beginnings yet again!
Debbie :)

[All Women Stalker]

Please don't pull yourself down... Be confident and at the same time, eat healthy, exercise everyday and be happy... don't stress about weight gain... as long as you do your exercise...

[Laura]

I've been up and down right along with you from the beginning of this adventure. I have this happy feeling we are both moving in a good direction this time.

[Stacy]

It does seem to feel that way doesn't it? I'm shy and find that sometimes it is comforting to "hide" with my weight and just go unnoticed. I've also had a very hard month...my motivation is to get in top shape for summer, because I'm hoping to go on a cruise. But, it seems when I make a goal and set out to really try to lose, I actually fail harder. Why?

[Nicole]

It's all so challenging, isn't it? I just hope you always remember that most of us know exactly how it is to lose weight and feel awesome, only to have it creep back up on us in time. I think most of us have been there. We can sympathize with you, Mel. Just always remember that no one is judging you...only encouraging you! And learning from you, too. Thanks for doing this!

[Cindy Swanson]

If I were Jillian on Biggest Loser, I'd have a field day with you! She's always trying to delve into people's psyches to find out why they gained weight.

As an armchair psychologist--after reading this post and the one at your other blog--I'd say you have serious issues about wanting to avoid attention. I'm wondering if you could figure out why, you may be able to unlock the reasons you may subsconsciously want to keep yourself overweight (by the way, you're right--I've been quite fat, and people, especially men, look right through fat women.)

I, for one, love the fact that you've continued to blog about your journey despite the fact that you're struggling.

As Nicole said above, we have ALL been there. I recently gained 10 pounds back without hardly realizing it. I managed to get it back off through blood, sweat and tears, but I know how easily this can happen.

As far as I'm concerned, you rock--and I really believe you're going to lose the weight again, and being so accountable, honest and transparent with all of your blog readers will be a big reason for your success.

[Somebody's Mother]

I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. I used to walk around trying to make myself invisible and then was annoyed with people when they treated me that way. I too hated being treated like I was 'unkempt, incompetent, and inferior.' Then about a year and a half ago I had a revelation: No one treated me that way more than me. I pretty much only wore cheap over-sized t-shirts and mom jeans because I didn't think I deserved anything better. I put no effort into me at all. The 'real me' was tightly secured behind layers of fat and a wardrobe that was basically social camouflage. As I slowly started putting more effort into myself and treating myself the way I wanted others to treat me, things started to change for me. The biggest change was feeling better about me made it easier to move away from eating as my best friend and favorite hobby.
Thanks for reminding me that how I feel about me makes a much bigger difference in my life than what I imagine other people think of me.

[Jenny]

Good luck with your diet :)

[Melanie]

Hello!! I am so glad to have found your blog again! I first found your blog a couple of years ago and I lost the link after just a few short reads of your posts. I recently started blogging again and thus, reading blogs - lo and behold I found yours again. I love your blog and I love the approach you've taken to weight loss. Can you give me any resources for low glycemic index eating? Do you have any posts that you've written about it? Do you use any websites or other blogs that write about it? I think this approach might be just what I need (I've also looked at South Beach and Sugar Busters). I hope that maybe we can lean on and learn from each other in this quest. :) So glad I've found out again!!

[Barbara]

I am apparently one of the few dieters who doesn't have a real body image or self esteem problem. I have a real healthy ego (okay, TOO healthy according to some people!).

Yes, I'm fat -- and old. But I'm also smart, compassionate, lovable, and funny. I have nice eyes (when you can spot them under the flabby lids), and some of the nicest looking chins you've ever seen.

Sounds ideal, right? Well, there's a downside -- feeling badly about yourself is actually a great motivator! I mean, why bother losing weight if you feel you're pretty darn perfect as is?

But I think the Buddhist concept of a "middle way" works best here -- don't get overly puffed up like me, but don't wallow in self-loathing either.

And never ever ever try to be invisible. First off, you'll hide all your good qualities as well as your fat dimples. And secondly, it won't work so why bother. If Ben Franklin could write an essay advising people to "Fart Proudly (yes, he really did!), I say: Strut Proudly and if your fat offends them, let them shield their eyes!

[Derek]

As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but think about body fat being used as a shield from things we don't want to experience. It's almost as if we know people will judge us because we're fat, we don't have to worry about them judging how attractive, smart, etc. we are.

I'm sure Jillian would have a field day with this, but sadly I think we find comfort in our "protective" fat.

[MamaBearJune]

Quit hiding! You are an amazing woman. And that fact doesn't change a bit with the number on the scale.

Exercising every day in January is EXCELLENT! Keep making those healthy choices.

[TerTer]

I know today that my desire to be invisible is partially tied to events of my past - and I try to remain open to success and being "seen" - but I always get below my fat clothes weight and immediately start gaining. I just know we can never give up and let invisibility win. Your blog is exactly what I needed. Thank you!