I have spent a lifetime avoiding the camera. Even when I wasn't fat, I thought I was fat. Or I thought I was ugly. Or I thought that my hair was horrible.
Looking back, of course I am full of regret because now I have so little photographic evidence of my life, which--despite all--has been well-lived. And I wasn't fat. And I wasn't ugly. (But my hair really was that bad.) I do wish there were more pictures.
My mother is always taking photographs of me with my kids . . . and I'm always ducking, trying to get myself out of the frame--or I grab a kid to hold in front of myself like a shield. Mothers see your true self, I guess, and don't understand that you don't want proof that you are a big fat slob. Or that you WERE a big fat slob. Either way.
I took photographs of myself a week ago, on the day I started this journey to smaller pants. I faced myself in the mirror while I held my digital camera and I photographed myself in my size 18 jeans and a white shirt.
I cannot look at those photographs, but I know that I will want to see them in a few months when I'm smaller. I'll want to compare and say, "look at how great I look!" and so I did it. I took the pictures. I am terrified to look at them.
Why is it that we see ourselves more clearly in photographs than we do in the mirror? It's such a weird phenomenon.
Anyway, some day, maybe I'll be able to post the Before pictures without dying a thousand deaths. If so, you'll be the first to know.
Do you appear in photographs? If not, do you regret your absence in photographs?
Rarely...and no. Tho my oldest grandson pointed a used-up disposable camera at me the other day and told me, "Grandma, I'm taking lots and lots of pictures of you." When I asked him why he said, "So I can keep them forever." I guess there's someone on this earth who loves me just as I am!
Posted by: MissKris | July 28, 2010 at 04:05 AM
I am the very same way. There are few pictures of me in existence! I still carry that picture phobia even now.
And I was so bad that if there were pictures taken, I would throw them away! So I have no "before" pictures, either.
Posted by: roxie | July 28, 2010 at 04:22 AM
I could have written this post myself! I swear we have the exact same thought process! I try to stay out of photographs, but I know that my kids need the photos as "proof" of their life with mom! They'll want them when they're older and I can't deny them that! I too am on my way to "smaller pants", so I'm with you on this journey. Stay motivated, Mel! And keep on posting!! You inspire me!
Posted by: Stephanie | July 28, 2010 at 04:35 AM
One of my very first blog posts, over six months ago, was about me and photographs. I am the family scrapbook and album keeper and I try to not put any in there of myself that are really, really unflattering. I have tried all the tricks to hide myself and look thinner. And when we had family photos professionally taken three years ago, our first ever, because we were having my son's senior portrait done, I told the photographer we would not buy any that made hubby and me look fat!
Posted by: Karen@WaistingTime | July 28, 2010 at 04:58 AM
Ever since I had my first child 9 years ago you will rarely see me in a picture, it is just too painful. But I worry sometimes what my kids will make of that, what is that teaching them. To be ashamed, I'm not proud of that either.
Posted by: Margaret Kelly | July 28, 2010 at 06:21 AM
Not many pictures of me.
There would be none if it weren't for the tip you gave once of holding the camera waaay up overhead and then looking up.
The only picture I have of myself AFTER my 50 lb weight loss was my Sam's Membership Card. Blurry, black & white teeny photo of me without double chins. Well. Just the one I've always had.
Posted by: judy | July 28, 2010 at 07:28 AM
I avoid photos like the plague! - and then, like you, am saddened by the lack of evidence that I have actually participated in my life. I am hoping that with age comes the wisdom that photos are OK even if I'm not at my ideal weight; at the same time I'll keep working on that ideal weight so that photos are less of an issue!
Great job on the weigh-in - what terrific motivation for the weeks ahead!
A
Posted by: Artemis | July 28, 2010 at 01:32 PM
Excellent post, and yes I have been ducking the camera for decades. Also yes, I now feel bad about being absent from the photos of so many family occassions. Even when I wasn't really "fat", I thought I was ugly and unpresentable. What kind of world do we live in where we are trained to hate how we look!? Perhaps I can do better in the future......or I can at least try to remember this the next time the camera is pointed in my direction.
Posted by: LHA | July 28, 2010 at 05:37 PM